oh well...i am still a human. no matter what there are times i would laugh at the most unlikely couples...and there are times when i feel lost...lonely and uncertain about tomorrow.

and i just realised...the fundamental issues inside me are not resolved. is this what they say as "human nature"? or is it just me who is weak in the mind?

can anyone help me? or is that stuborn me being reluctant to keep my mind clear?

fancy getting my poly cliq asking me to go downtown east today...at yesterday night. -.-

should i say i am lucky to have something on planned beforehand?

sighs. i am getting anti-social.

went to nike, adidas, topman/topshop, dorothy perkins etc warehouse sales yesterday. then my friend and i realised that the sales actually started from 3rd march... -.-

so you can roughly guess what kind of stuff is left in there.

then we tried to look for slippers/sandals and shoes at bugis and suntec area but to no avail. nothing fancies me in singapore nowadays. so boring...

on the other hand...quite a handful of stuff happening right now...i am surprised that i am able to observe quite some stuff just through observing people's msn nicknames and blogs. it's ironic that i am gonna sit and 'enjoy' the show but it's certainly not for me to interfere with. all i will do is to learn along the way while having a good laugh at the way they see things.

so my advice to them is:

- stop pestering. it's irritating to have a person bugging you everywhere. and NEVER mention about ex-interest in front of her. anybody gets sick when comparisons are being made on themselves. oh ya...stop giving in so much. you have to be yourself.

- i don't know about you. you rejected him once and now you agreed. so you think you are trying? i bet that it's because this time he is closer to your friends and once you are indecisive and your friends say "try lah!"...and there you go. that must be a reason why you rejected him in the first place. so that reason is back haunting you right now. and that reason is sort of there only after you tried it out with him that time...remember? i will call it...perhaps "proved reason"? it's not just a reason derived from feelings.

even if this is solved the pressure from yourself comes with the fact that he's the one giving in to you all the times (my guess though). if i were to ask both of you what can you do for each other i bet he will say something stupid/mushy like "anything" while you will pause in hesitation. even though he sounds stupid but he is able to convert his feelings into words and ultimately actions. how about you? your feelings to him are already not clear...yet you are confused at how you should react to him. why? because you haven't really go and understand him...

oh well. love is blind. but love is not compulsory people. stop trying to 'love' others when you don't know how to love yourself.

my own statement of the day!

对陌生人得客气一点.
对朋友可豪放一点.
对情人得细心一点.
对家人可冲动一点.

time changes. to me that is an excuse for many people.

to me it's simply more logical that it's we ourselves who have changed through time and in the end it's we who will change time.

skins. justice is the skin of fear, agony, unfairness, barbaric acts and pain. love is just the skin of fear, loneliness, greed and lust. sounds cruel to you? think again. these are what we turn to when we have such symptoms...isn't it?

so i accompanied my uncle for the last trip.

everything was still ok...except for the cremation process. the monks appeared from nowhere chanted few minutes and there he goes into the chamber. it's like...huh? so fast?

it sort of irritated me and got me with no appetite afterwards.

at least there's a lot of friends who came from far...primary school friends...colleagues...even the ex-vice principal or something...i am glad that he had such good friends.

oh well...looks like i have fallen deeper. what is the thing that is worth holding onto in front of death...? money? fame? power? love?

we came naked so i guess at least we are properly dressed when we leave...besides that we can't bring anything along with us. it doesn't mean that we should just wait for our deaths...but what can you do to make your life experience unqiue? i guess from that point of view i can start to differentiate what is grown from greed and what's not.

a big extract from rainie yang's blog:

愛情, 確實會帶給人好心情、好氣色,
但是, 相對的, 也會帶來煩惱與憂愁.

其實一個人, 真的真的沒有什麼不好.
我常常覺得, "孤獨"有時候是一件很不錯的事呢!
獨處, 可以有更多時間可以思考, 把混亂的思緒整理清楚,
獨處, 可以有更多自由做喜歡的事, 不必考慮別人的想法.

談戀愛的時候, 因為要考慮另外一個人,總是患得患失,
往往失去自我、放下自尊, 甚至越來越不愛自己,
悲傷的愛情故事, 我已經聽得太多,
和自己談戀愛, 才可以多愛自己一點啊!

想像一個安靜空閒的午後...
一個人坐在窗邊, 泡一壺花茶,
什麼都不想, 什麼都不做,
看一本喜愛的書, 聽著輕柔的音樂 ,
這樣的自由與放鬆, 是一個人的享受,
絕對不是分享的快樂.

我也喜歡, 單身女郎雙人床,
那是愛怎麼翻滾就怎麼翻滾的空間,
寬大、自由、自在、舒服,
是可以不必隱藏情緒的私密空間,
是可以完全表現真我的個人空間.

跟自己戀愛,
或許沒有被呵護的甜蜜, 卻不會有被傷害的風險,
至少不會有失戀的心碎, 和被背叛心痛,
不需要為別人流淚, 為別人憔悴.

我知道自己是貪心的,
一但愛上個人, 我會要的很多很多,
愛情如果不能完美, 我寧願不要.

算我膽小吧, 愛情的賭注太大,
如果沒有八分的把握, 我想 我還是跟自己談戀愛就好,
然後, 靜靜等待真愛來臨的一天....

現在, 我只想多愛自己一些些, 可以嗎?

some real interesting videos to cure boredom:







and looks at this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/60302.stm

oh my god.

first sentosa...now monopoly competition... -.-

seriously do you guys intend to just keep coming out to keep this friendship fresh or what...?

good friends can still cliq well after a year of not meeting up. there's still msn etc...it's really up to both parties how they wanna keep up with each other...not by going out often and suck your own pockets dry. i am not some millionaire you know.

moreover. if people are meant to cliq together as friends they will be together for a long while...at least. it's not that i hate you guys or what so ever...but the frequency of you guys asking me out is...you get my point?

perhaps i am more of a laid back and lazy person...but to me true friendship exists with the simplest things spent to keep it alive.

oh ya. please let your girl like the person you are now. stop promising this and that (and still publicise on msn) for her. one screw up and you are done with. relationships is about feeling comfortable with the other's good points while accommodating his/her weak points. you can flood her all day long with honeyed words on msn but it will not solve the case. it's back to proper communication with your girl. -.-

like her for who she is now. not what she will be or what you imagine her as. i am very sure of that. i admit i am a rotting greenhorn on this but...i was once as stupid as you are now.

Makes Me Wonder- Maroon 5

I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

God damn, my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try (yeah)
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don't have a meaning
Cause...

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you and I...
So this is goodbye

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you,
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try, yeah
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry (Oh no)
So this is goodbye (Oh no)
So this is goodbye (oh no)
Yeah, So this is goodbye (Oh no)
Yeah, so this is goodbye (Oh no)
So this is goodbye

so i went to his funeral. his facial complexion was already changing in terms of colour. his tired family members...rituals...lots of his friends.

ceramation ceremony's changed to saturday. luckily i don't have to go to sentosa...?

i have no idea why zero mililiters of a tear drop appeared in front of my eyes. it always so for all the funerals i have gone to and remembered. maybe i am heartless. maybe emotionless. self centered to be exact.

and now i fancy being some sourgrapes for a new couple. childish kid trying ruin the happiness and atmosphere. oh well...looks like i have degraded to a loner or something.

he's gone for good.

got the call at morning of the bad news. the cremation ceremony etc should take place at friday.

no tears. no smile. just farewell.

i am glad i chose not to go for the dinner and dance at friday...or else it's either i waste my money for nothing or i will go there and spoil the whole event. i just don't have the mood now for anything.

so if those bunch of people who thinks that i am trying to be anti-social or i have a problem...please go ahead. you can't really expect me to go like some ubin cycling or batam trip a day after my uncle's funeral...i can't bring myself to that. i am sick of the way life is and the way you guys plan for all these activities.

and anyways...congratulations (if i am not wrong...instincts tell me so) if our dear stubborn blockhead is finally together with the princess...after his plan A failed. my sincere blessings for you guys and i am sure you two don't want me the party spoiler to be there for the activities.

death.

it was saturday when i received the call from my parents that my uncle is brain dead. so for the rest of the day i simply had no mood to really work...plus quite a number of things happened over at the IT show.

he's just 26. and now we are just watching him turn into a corpse...slowly. i don't really know why the idea of taking that survival machine off from him is objected but to me...it's the same.

changes.

think it was friday when i noticed that he actually came to visit 'us'. but the truth told was he was going to woo her again... -.-

what the hell loh. fancy coming back when plan A fails.

had a short chat with my friend through sms about this issue. he said that it's human nature and everybody changes. he chose to accommodate everyone...makes me wonder what did i choose subconsciously...perhaps a monster?

sorry guys i just don't have the mood to attend the dinner and dance. and perhaps even the supposedly outing at saturday. i have no idea when i need to be there for the funeral.

interesting part from my friend's blog:

We Make Them Cry Who Care For Us.
We Cry For Those Who Never Care For Us.
And We Care For Those Who Will Never Cry For Us.

This is the Truth Of Life., it's Strange But True.
Once You Realise This, It's Never Too Late To Change.

...........................................................................................................................

Never Explain Yourself To Anyone.

Because the Person Who Likes You Doesn't Need It,
And The Person Who Dislikes You Won't Believe it.

oh well.

getting a little blur for this.

life's a joke- laugh while you can.

gonna work at IT show from tomorrow onwards. have 0% of mental preparation for it. how?

just went to watch watchmen. was quite surprised that it was far more meaningful than the dark knight...because the movie actually reflected on my general view of the world and humans...but i still prefer dark knight! haha.

so lazy to work properly. unfortunately not gonna attend the last year of DMIT's Annual Dinner & Dance...

have to consider so many things...especially with the uni stuff after NS...$$ matters. a lot.

and i realised my liking for going to k-box has faded so much...

oh well. i am sure that whatever facebook game they are playing now will be fun...

i don't know...looks like i still can't be decisive on that. wake up...

"life's a joke."

so...hello...rotten world.

god damn it...

my uncle's situation got worse. already had 2 operations and yet the tumour's back- and bigger.

i think this is my first and last "what the fcuk" i am gonna say in this blog.

he's a nice guy. has a devoted girlfriend- goes back and forth the hospital to visit him.

sighs...

all i can do is to pray for him.

there's no such thing as fair. i realised.

finally had a better sleep yesterday night.

in the past i thought deriving an answer to everything is vital.
but the fact is i was too gutless to venture into somewhere unknown and i hold on to the questions till a satisfactory answer is fed to my brain.

and thus all these questions burden me along the way. i guess that's part of a definition for egoist.

to get an answer i want at the expense of ignoring everyone beside me is selfish. during my secondary school days i thought leaving the school means i can put down the troubles behind and start afresh. and look i was going back to this scenario now. it's stupid and selfish to expect a good ending without experiencing any problems along the way...草莓族.

no cakes look nice with a slice missing.

and why carry a falling rock when you can be as light as feather?

i am getting more and more nocturnal recently. slept at 2am plus yesterday. looks like i am stubborn with my dear uncle recuperating because of a cancerous tumor in his brain...caused by excessive usage of computers, TVs...in general anything that gets your ass radiated.

first there's 1 at next tuesday. now another 1 at this saturday. oh my god. now i am just like their designated host. or rather that's what i felt.

making me go for all these...i don't it will help. or rather i don't think i will help myself according to what you guys think how i should. if all these are for the post taiwan gatherings then leave me out. i am fine with it. if not...this matter is dragging us down for too long. this crap was started by me. let it end it my way.

though i pity those who don't have a clear idea what happened to me...for once i thought some of them might think i have turned into some big shot face or i don't like somebody in the cliq etc...but that is for you to assume on. don't worry though i will keep in contact with you guys in a one to one manner...hopefully. but as for the group i think it's crappy to stay in this way. i am not happy when i am wandering around in this group. and this group can jolly well stay together without me.

maybe my thoughts on this are all irrelevant and too deep. but either way seems that my body has agreed to it.

so...shall i be your host for the events?

i just found out that night jogging can be fun. quiet surroundings in general. cool breezes replaces the chit chatting and old man workout music in the morning.

from far i thought i saw the moon tonight like a slice of lemon while jogging. stupid right?

it's like ages ago when i told myself to start working out cut out the lard wandering around my tummy. but it's only now that i am gonna force myself do something about it and perhaps with the adidas sundown marathon...?

i can't come up with a proper reason why did i agree to go for that outing. perhaps i should watch more ouran host club to be a better host. but i still go along with others' wishes. isn't that stupid? do you do that all the time?

"blessings."

either i am too fast to be wrong...or i am too slow to be right.

here's a proposed scenario of a boy who has a bunch of balloons tied to his hands with strings. unfortunately this boy will have to enter the army camp for a long time soon...

obviously the bunch of balloons has to be released. it was him who got these few balloons together. now he has to release them. how will these balloons fly? would anybody know? maybe they will continue to stick together (apparently they are more bonded with each other)...

but either ways...get me a pair of scissors. either way no point keeping a black balloon in amidst of white ones. spoils everything.

i realised i prefer having friends in a one to one relationship. i am not really suited to be in a group kind of thing. easier to handle and maintain i guess.

the world is like a big cage...with all kinds of animals in it.

casually surfed the net with the query: "are humans classified under the animal kingdom"

answer is yes. (now then i remembered of a scientific name for humans...some homo sapien crap.)

what came with the results were the interesting part- some raised this question on why humans are classified under the animal kingdom (on a spiritually basis).

vaguely went through some comments...many started talking about souls...wait. souls. souls?

i guess many of us might be misled by the mainstream ideas.

we always say it's human nature that we are greedy. hm...what if i were to rephrase this as "when there's competition we get aggressive; otherwise we are greedy."?

if you agree with me on this then the question pops- so are we really different from animals?

try spitting saliva on me with things like we are more civilised than animals etc.

please keep in mind our ancestors came from the forests of africa; we drilled this so called fact into our brains just to just hallucinate ourselves that we are far more superior than those staring at us blankly from their enclosures. aren't we ourselves in a big cage- physically and mentally?

in national geographic you see animals hunting one another everyday. but how many people reviewed on the idea of the fact that sometimes in order to capture such shots a prey is purposely being released in the area for the predator?

obviously we don't kill each other with claws and teeth. the aftermath is so dirty and messy. thus we do the same with mouth and pens. or perhaps with a gun- a shot and leave with the bloody mess behind.

"oh we do have thoughts, feelings and languages as humans."

so animals don't think? if they don't they could have been extinct long time ago with a lack of proper habits (e.g. migrating birds to ward off the seasons). and they have been utilising the greatest engine of evolution long before the monkeys rot around in the forests. i am sure if a typical elephant were able to see its dear mammoth ancestors with a comment i guess that would be something like "wtf?"

languages? thanks to our political instincts every race has their own language to keep hold of their pride. dolphins communicate using sonar waves. we copied them for other usage instead. -.-

feelings? don't make me laugh. animals do have feelings too. we think they because we don't really get to see how many pigs cry before they are being slaugthered everyday. and looks like we invented something known as love which doesn't seem to have a proper definition...and perhaps to not let the males go mating everywhere...just in case somebody brings this issue up as a point of argument.

when our ancestors started out they had to fight against other kinds of animals. now we built our own kingdom of humans...leaving the animals at bay. with the remnants of our animal instinct...and no more animals to fight with...in the end humans fight among each other...the human way.

so we have built a human empire with the foundations of our animal like instincts...smoked through stuff with our very own concepts and hallucinations. fought and killed like humans. think like humans. feel like humans.

i hope the animals around us are not laughing at us. if not it surely means that they are smart enough to know that we rised and fell because of the same reason- we want to be known as humans.

“太快来的幸福就像过期的牛奶-要喝了才知道。”