spent the whole of sunday hiding inside my house...

father is out the whole day working. while my mother and sister went to malaysia for my grandfather's death anniversary. so it's home alone for me.

bloody bored. generally the whole day was of school rumble term 2. got hooked on from season 1...with very funny scenarios...of course with all the different kind of girls...speaking of that...YAKUMO!!! -.-

oh well. perhaps i have always been out for the previous weekends...loneliness crept into me. to be just like an otaku watching anime whole day long...wasn't my style. what am i really short of? or rather why can't i be satisfied of the current situation? and it's only a day... -.-

this familiar kind of solitary...familiar kind of quietness and feeling...it sucks. but i am getting the hang of it...and starting to like it.

guess i am not wrong about this but...i actually expected that before from you jo...sour grapes from me perhaps at that point of time but i didn't expect it to be that quick...

time to wake up. you are just solving the problem by changing to this guy...that guy...whatever. even if i am part of the cycle...still. you can't solve a problem when you don't even know what is the problem.

if you choose to be tied with a guy...don't keep changing the guys and feel that it's the guys who keep scarring your heart when you don't know about being tied down. i admitted i don't. even up till now. and i have decided i am too lazy to understand all these transactions and crap.

don't waste your time. don't waste their time. don't hurt them. don't hurt yourself. stupidly.

seems tough but i am sure you will find what you really want once you are clear in the head.

"work smart, not work hard."

i finally understand and agree to this sentence. it's just merely the results that matter.

as usual a busy week. even felt unwell today. spoilt a number of stuff i had in mind to settle on...plus to attend to some small stuff...bored.

seems that the Xmas disease got to me rather early this time...it's especially prominent when you are working. you just dread to have a public holiday asap. haha.

looks like my Xmas schedule is a little busy than the previous years...but somehow i can't really feel the spirit from this festive season...interesting.

well at least it's just me that got into such a freakish kind of situation.

the company i am working with has just hired quite a number of people for the year ahead. 1 of the guys (or rather there's no new female employees) is at his 30's...and i can relate to him quite well. all the stuff on family, direction etc...looks like i am experiencing aging faster than i thought. and never marry an old man like me. i will most probably irritate the hell out of you.

hopefully the year ahead doesn't irritate me with all the unnecessary crap, thinking etc...so that i shall focus on getting onto the next level. haha. so it's many no-nos...

lastly thank you ashley for the domo kun key chain. i still think it's a little over-sized but i shall see what i can do with it. haha. do remember to think on what you wanna eat ya?

a very nice song from mirror's edge. somehow i sense the emo stuff from the feelings of the song.

anyways...bro i hope you are eventually alright...even though i have no idea of what happened to you...but we can't hold everything to ourselves...the good and the bad- we still have to either let go or live with it.

regarding the comment that you find it irritating with me appearing offline all the time...well at the daytime my company 'bans' the usage of msn messenger during working hours so i have to appear offline so that i can still keep in contact with the rest in daytime. as for night time it's more of a habit for me to appear offline...since it doesn't really make a difference whether i am online or not...but still i would really like to listen to your reasons...be it personal or not.

really hope that we can chat properly again.

was on my way to get tomorrow's breakfast for my family just now...when i saw someone very familiar...my friend's ex-girlfriend. kenny zheng if you ever see this post i hope the salt doesn't get to your wounds. but anyways their story didn't turn very great at the end. for me it just got me the flashback on the kallang trip with the couple. what a couple date event...what an ending.

that radical side of me is devouring everything...good question from ashley- "will you turn into a miserable old man in the future?"

i am afraid it's a yes.

anything anybody will say but i am just a tortoise with its head withdrawn on a bed of roses. oh well.

x'mas is coming! my company is holding a party on...the afternoon of 24th dec? haha. quite a new experience to me. and the theme...i heard it's on the 70s or 80s. oh man. retro stuff. and i have a wishlist! but this christmas wouldn't be very different from others i guess...

-zara jeans ($99.90) oh my god...expensive but really suits my new shirt!
-more shirts from springfield
-black gem ring
-black gem chest pin

maybe i should spend my christmas with my family.

been quite a while since i last blogged seriously.

i think up till now...i have to answer to myself to some questions:

-is there any proper reason why am i suddenly so busy? or rather why have i been making myself so busy? am i trying to run away from something?

-why are my views on certain topics so extreme? even if it makes my mind feel more balanced...is this the right way to rely on on the long run?

-why am i restraining myself on some stuff yet i let myself go wild on other things?

-am i still myself?if not can i get back to what i wanna be at some point of time?

wierd questions but...seems that i never spend time to solve them thoroughly...and as usual i am lazy to think of all of these.

你不是真正的快乐

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色

你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了

你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著

而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了

越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色

你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了

把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了

當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇

於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色

你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了

把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合

我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河

難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色

為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢

能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻

重新開始活著

stayed overnight yesterday at the office to complete some mock-up website. hopefully everything goes well...

life...i guess is like a strand of grass.

it is meant to endure the strong winds...even storms that might come.
some chose to be unique...stand out from the rest.
but soon they realise they will be standing on a plot of barren land.
so in the end some turned yellow. lifeless. dying. even without fulfilling their true purpose.

so what is the purpose of every strand of grass? grow taller than everyone else?
i guess to stand out also means a responsibility to hold onto. you have to be stronger than everyone else at all times. not many people can do it. many of us turned yellow before we can fulfill our purpose of life.

i feel that the purpose of life is to be part of the greenery of grasses that forms a big, lush, landscape. it's never been one's purpose. it's just that the society nowadays tends to expose a variety of information to everyone. so are we supposed to wait till somebody else to tell you that it's wrong before you know it's wrong? then perhaps you have no idea on how to fulfill that unique purpose or you just simply don't have a mind of your own. i am sure everyone has the path to light. but some chose not to utilise their rationality and senses and fell into the dark.

just got myself a psp slim. i know i got hacked...sighs. it feels so bad.

damn.day of bad luck.

i just got back working from the Sittex show at expo. bought myself a seagate portable hard drive. quite a deal in the show itself.

BUT.

my booth was reported of a loss of the "company's" mp3 player. it's a samsung touch screen kinda of crap stuff. both my colleague and i have to compensate. T.T

now's the worst- my friend lost his precious N95 in the same period of time too.

don't let me see that f*cker again. i will make sure that his jaw will feel my fist or something.

"the greatest strength in love is the power of looking forward to see your loved ones again."

sometimes i wonder why am i making myself so busy...sometimes i wonder why am i lonely...sometimes i wonder why am i changing myself...sometimes i winder why i can't be myself...sometimes i wonder what was my initial purpose of these stuff...

sometimes.i feel out of place.i wish for an eternal night where the city is quiet.i wish to drop everything i have now and stroll till the end of time.i wish i can choose not to have a purpose of my life.

http://sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=9470

haha. this thread is damn funny to read. but i personally agree that having lesser seats in MRT carriages is damn bad...the people who said we will have an aging population soon...also said we should increase our birth rate...also said that we should get more priority seats for senior citizens or pregnant women...so now they are taking off the seats to squeeze more people in per trip? LOL sia. it's rare to find our dear government contradicting themselves...no ill comments but i hope the organisations/personnel involved should re-consider about this decision thoroughly.

but on the other hand...i don't really like it when senior citizens or pregnant women are not getting seats from the other commuters. i stand for at least 90% of my MRT trips nowadays. so to all Singaporeans: please give up seats to those who really need it...before all these seats are taken off and everyone's standing! XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBN7rEjjGrg

this is supposedly a footage from Japan...even though it's way much worse than ours but it's not really as if our population is as big as Japan's...but i wonder whether they do the same squeezing on elderly people and pregnant women too...? XD

this tempts me! this is actually the proposed successor for our old time favourite- AE86! sighs. i haven't even started to learn driving.

http://sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=9274

another interesting thread on money. but personally i feel that the issue exposes the mindset and attitude of people nowadays. especially the fact that it hints to me of the perception of having sexual intercourse as a transaction and how people perceive of money...sad.

been painting for thursday and friday. damn. in the end it's as if i have to start all over again. boring stuff...

initially planned to go out today for shopping...suddenly i lost the feeling to do so. feel like slacking the day off before i go work tomorrow...

"i shouldn't be in the scene."

grats.
put your nightmares aside
and hopefully he will wash them away soon.
it's a good time for you to become better.

my blessings.

when you feel lonely, don't ever think that you are different from the rest. you just don't understand yourself. and it's worse when there's people like me who are pure lazy to get that straight XD

still wondering what there is to buy later at orchard...a pair white jeans or pants is a must i guess...but i am worried all my 'weak points' will be exposed... XD

hm...perhaps i will update this post later at night.

广场旁边的烟囱烟雾弥漫你面容
我悄悄背颂你的温柔喝着加温后的啤酒
这样唯美的镜头是否只存在故事之中

http://sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=8579

basically the forum thread is talking about this chunk of comments from a china woman who is generalising asian men as if they are of the same breed. she 'briefly' describes herself as someone who is hot and smart. then she wishes to marry a rich western guy to enjoy life. then she starts talking about all only the good stuff about westerners and only the bad about the asians.

interesting article. i have also heard about asian guys complaining about the flaws of the asian ladies. but my question is: why are we complaining? does the woman think that after marrying a western guy she will stop complaining? if that's so, by all means. with this article being posted everywhere i doubt any asian guys would wanna date you too.

technically, just by reading through the thread briefly, i realised: who can prove everything she said is true? how about the photos? perhaps you sound too good to be true.

personally i can conclude: this is a typical scenario of someone imperfect asking for the perfect. i don't blame you for much because we are all greedy for the best when we don't revise on ourselves.

i am currently still in office...waiting for the damn AVG to slowly scan finish the labtop drives. was present for an informal presentation of a resource planning application, done by my another intern colleague. wah. i didn't expect that one presentation to teach me many things; as well as serving as a reminder of what i experience from microsoft's Imagine Cup. It's really hard sometimes to balance between the quality of the user interface and its functionalities for all of your superiors to be satisfied. Some are techincal some are more business-minded...oh well. perhaps i will soon face it too. quality vs. efficiency

feeling rather tired right now...i have actually been dozing off in the office lately...a sign that i am getting tired...but...so fast?! damn. i need something proper to motivate me. like...december! haha.

WAH!!! someone stop me from buying PS3!

To Miss IThoughtItIsOnceAndForAll:

Hi.

This is how awkward the atmosphere would be if i ever i see you again. Resorting to use such an familiar greeting to someone we thought we are so familiar with...so close with.

Wonder how's life for you lately. Oh you told me it was great. And you started telling me how guilty you still are after a year etc...

Then it was you who wanted me to tell you what i wanted to say. And now you are telling me i am the reason in your guilt.

Frankly speaking. When you told me about your guilt etc...all the remnant thoughts came back just like a stagnant sponge being squeezed out of a sudden...with all the water gushing out...and it just got me even more remorseful.

Now it's not just the remnant thoughts that matter. I still habitually board the MRT at the thrid door of the first cabin. I am 'addicted' to night life. I like to see dances (hoping that i can dance myself one day).

On the other hand, you can't blame me for everything. Like what you brought with you when you lied on my shoulder at the Cathay, I have brought what i am carrying now from that fateful bus 154 trip. We are just haunting ourselves with our own past. Pardon me if it seems that i got too 'affected' from the experience i had; i have to get myself on the extreme side in order to focus on the stuff i need to do.

No doubt you have affected me in certain ways...but definitely not the fact that i hide myself even more from relationships. It's not as if i did not try to get out of the shell...the fact is that i don't have enough money(or rather too stupid and stingy) to buy you a stalk of rose or...even that feather thing phone chain at Plaza Singapura. Moreover i just don't have the mindset and confidence i am really suitable for anyone. Who wants a guy who is unromantic, can't express himself properly even to girls, who can't understand himself, who doesn't know how to take care of himself properly (not to say for his girl), who can't console people well etc...?

Stop telling all the crap that you will feel better if you were to see me with a girl on the streets...the guilt you have towards me...etc. Fact is that we are actually near mirror images. But no matter what i know i shouldn't have dragged you along onto a trip that brings you nightmares now and then. Just with that it has already hurt me all along from then. Either live with the guilt or forget me. Please.

You are really a nice girl...just that you have not realised and have not grown up at then...i am really fortunate to have met you. You taught me some...but i learnt quite an amount from the experience i had with you. Still, i say...you should have and still deserve a 200% better guy than me. I really hope somehow...in some way and some time that you will drop the burden you carry now and go to somewhere higher. My blessings in advance.

I hope you can forgive what i brought upon on you. Nevermind if you can't forgive me. Neither i can do it on myself.

tonight i felt like writing two letters to two person. haha. creative idea huh?

To Mr Neutral:

It's been long since we contacted each other...i believe that both of us are on the same level of intelligence so i don't have to beat around the bush.

I was wondering whether you owe me an explanation or not. It was you who said you are the neutral line when all those crap started with Mr Childish. Maybe i might be wrong...but now to me you have chosen your side.

It was you who suggested to get together for the NS checkup...i waited till now i have heard no news from you personally.

Perhaps it's hard for people to be always neutral...perhaps when you are still an outsider you still can have that stand...but as you get further into the details...i guess your heart has already pointed to you which direction to take.

I wouldn't blame you for anything...instead i should thank you for helping us trying to solve the issue. Even though it never got better...plus as you pointed out i was at fault too...i can only say that i really hope to hear something proper from you. I rather have you saying out the reason (whatever it could be) than making yourself mute. I remembered telling you this before. Clearly.

F.I.R.- 我们的爱

回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时候的你说
要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头
从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起
我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再
不再哭泣
我们的爱
过了就不再回来
直到现在我还默默的等待
我们的爱我明白
以变成你的负担
只是永远
我都放不开
最后的温暖
你给的温暖
不要再问你是否爱我
现在我想要自由的天空
远离开这被捆绑的世界
不再寂寞

i always have the feeling that i am a bad friend. everywhere i go...just seems that i bring trouble along...i have no idea. perhaps i should just be alone sometimes. or i am at a different level from others. wierd huh? i am already sicked of working...haha.

i am strange. very strange.

my heart has all the wildness while my brain is always the one restraining my heart and clearing up the mess.

sounds stupid huh? perhaps that's what people say as "Geminis have split personality".

it's only rather sad that most of us have to do what we need to do, not what we want to do. but speaking of this, if i can choose what i want to do, what would i do? most probably i will eventually waste my life off. contradictions...

oh well. my principle is simple. life is about finding your value. the value comes with a purpose for life. i will find that purpose and fulfill it. i might choose to go beyond that purpose...but of course that will be very far off from now...

main point: never believe that the stage you are standing now is the best. life's about finding a bigger stage for youself.

i guess that's the main idea that keeps me not that easily distracted from other stuff bah...ironically my mind tends to be on the extreme to keep my stand firm and correct. wierd freak.

but just somehow...all the remnant thoughts...i wouldn't say they haunt me. perhaps i just don't know how to handle it yet. i once believed that in order to get rid of the old stuff get a new one. this is never correct. at least to me. somehow we are just reminding each other of the past. childish. i know it myself. it's now a battle of whether my heart or brain will take over one fine day.

i think that's it bah. i just don't think i will have the time to handle all these at one go: my attachment, my part time programming, my sunday roadshows and now this network marketing thing. i admit i am being greedy this time bah. and why juggle between 3 small balls and 1 big one?

why not just focus on what i can further excel on...instead of trying to get a hang of everything. jack of all trades, master of none. but i must say...though a short stay...but i learnt how to sell something. perhaps the hard way...but somehow if you change the context it's actually a good way to convey a clear idea to your target audience. emphasize on key words, skip those words which might bring people thinking about anything negative or away from the idea you are trying to convey. and ya,

just talk, don't question.

FINALLY

my internet connection is back. after 6 days. lesson learnt: don't use mio system. the 2wire router just gets in danger of being burnt up in event of lightning storms (which is so common in Singapore...)

solution? there are...upgrade/renew your plan. that actually means you get the later version of the router. oh but that's worse. thinking that the plan still has a long way to go.

forget about that. i have more things to take care of now.

finally got my pay for the part time programming. the client wanted me to go work full-time...ARGH. too bad i can't change my company for internship now...damn. but oh well...since i can work for his next project...it's fine with me XD

next is more of like...part part time job...i wouldn't mention the organisation's name...just that it's a company that uses network marketing as their main business concept.

oh well...perhaps i am not the type of guy they are looking for...or i am not suited for them...but perhaps i really wish that i can have a clean cut with them soon bah. sorry to disappoint them...but my time is therotically squeezed...

i have attachment on weekdays...that's 5 days gone from the week...i am intending to take the part time programming i mentioned above...so that's extra stuff after my work and during my weekend...sundays i normally i have part time roadshows...can my schedule be considered busy?
maybe? maybe not?

quote of the week!!! XD

"if life is about utilising the every 24 hours you experience, then love is about 2 persons sharing their own 24 hours."

more data entry for today. and tomorrow. almost a week of it technically.

do humans like to contradict themselves? or is it just like the theory on gravity- the more you try to break away, the more you will be pulled down? or just simply my heart is too weak to be above the rest?

is it so hard to be a hero? is it so hard to be lonely? is it so hard to fulfill the purpose of anyone's life?

"i eat with my husband."

"then who i eat with..."

i just wished that my heart is not there.

天灰 - S.H.E.

2nd day of attachment. it's gonna get me dying soon. tiring. and the fact that it's the 2nd day of me doing nothing much that worsens the situation. finally i am having the thought that to do programming is better. haha.

gonna do more data verification tomorrow...so shan't talk too much on the details for my attachment.

got into the train on my way back home just now. saw this pretty girl in front of me. was glancing at her till i noticed her ring on her finger. those remnant thoughts just went back to the front of my eyes. why stupid?

i suddenly thought of what is wrong with myself...what can i do to change myself...but again...i will then be changing not for myself. i wouldn't be myself. my heart is weak. that's a fact. i still have a long way to go. i need to remind myself again- girls can come and go, but chances for success appear every decade.

but i still hope i can one day call out

"Jo."

it still comes back. haunting.

好心分手- 卢巧音

是否很惊讶　讲不出说话
没错我是说　你想分手吗
曾给你驯服到　就像绵羊
何解会反咬你一下　你知吗
回头望　伴你走
从来未曾幸福过
赴过汤　蹈过火
沿途为何没爱河
下半生　陪住你
怀疑快乐也不多
没有心　别再拖
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
通通不要好过
来年岁月那么多
为继续而继续
没有好处还是我
若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破
是否不甘心　首先给撇下
换了你是我　你忍得到吗
捱得过无限次　寂寞凌迟
人心态早己看得化　也可怕
回头望　伴你走
从来未曾幸福过
赴过汤　蹈过火
沿途为何没爱河
下半生　陪住你
怀疑快乐也不多
没有心　别再拖
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
通通不要好过
来年岁月那么多
为继续而继续
直接不过承认错
若勉强也分到不多
不如什么也摔破
难捱就无谓再拖
好心一早放开我
从头努力也坎坷
通通不要好过
来年岁月那么多
为继续而继续
没有好处还是我
若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破

精舞門

台灣龍捲風

i really wish i have the time 1 day to pick up either piano or hip hop dance...guess it's more of 1 of my regrets in life...if i were to have kids in the future i will try my best to let them have 1 interest...not to force my will upon them or to be "talented"...but at least they have something else to do besides playing computer games.

on the other hand...i know i am affected. infected. oh well...it doesn't really matter. it's merely the results that matters.

背影 - Yoga Lin You Jia 林宥嘉

to me it's 1 of the nicest song i am listening to recently. fine i am slow but the song just brings back memories...good...bad...all of them i guess.

1st bad newsof the day- i guess it's sort of over with my 1 guy friend. it's really a long story between me and him. lazy to rewind. but this incident...just gets me thinking whether i can be someone else's friend or not...the urge to have myself isolated got stronger...

2nd news is that it's confirmed that my uncle's tumour is cancerous. i really have nothing to say- he's still so young...and now he's gonna be bald for a long time due to the whatever therapy...not to say whether he will lose his very caring girlfriend because of cancer...even though it sounds very stupid...but love can stand on no basis especially in this kind of situation...

got me thinking what i will do if i were in my last moments of my life...i guess i will regret here and there...simply because i have a lot of stuff undone...and in anguish that the value of my life is just so little...with no purpose fulfilled...

i will stupidly make phone calls...guess just wanna hear them for the last time. all the very imaginative cells active again...what a waste.

BoA - Eat You Up

some appetiser for the opening of my blog. looks like we asians got something hot to scare the westerners.

speaking of which this kind of hip hop dance is something i really wish to learn. sadly i doubt i will have the time, money and commitment to achieve it. internship's coming real soon and right after that i MIGHT (not yes) go on an overseas trip with my classmates. after that? blardy NS.

money is always an issue for me...especially if i were to save up for my university course...but on the other hand...i wonder if this is really needed if i wanna do event management.what do you say?

"be yourself- for the sake of yourself; not for others."