long yesterday out with a guy who is having his first sleep in tekong peacefully (hopefully).

waited for a god damn hour for my friend at dover mrt station. was very pissed about it. but that was a trivial issue...just hope that he wouldn't do it again.

went to far east to have subway for lunch. next was kinokuniya to look for holga cameras.

totally fascinated by the sample photos taken using holga cameras...especially that you can use different lenses for effects (e.g. fish eye lens to have black corner effects on your photos) or do something to your negative too. but the prices shown in kinokuniya was quite a turn off for me. most of the average cameras start at $100 onwards.

then we went to some shops around orchard/somerset before we left for city hall to meet up with the soon to be bald guy.

friend was interested in t-shirts (like me) so we went to the peninsula shopping centre (not the burmese fortress) upon my suggestion. in the end we got two tees. another guy joined us from work but he left for another job soon after. interesting.

crossed the road to the burmese fortress. first stop was the so called "chamber of secrets" where i was looking for shoes among hundreds of them (imagine a small shop with hundreds of shoes stacked everywhere inside and the interior is so quiet that it's like a chamber...thus the name flashed through my mind and there you go. chamber of secrets.).

then we looked for more cameras. all the way to bras brasah area for more holga. haha. but again the prices aren't far from what we saw.

we were all very hungry and yet spent quite some time to decide on where to eat (we do have tight budgets at times). finally we reached just acia at suntec to make sure our stomachs were filled. fun dinner moments with stupid jokes and lame actions as usual.

friend left for something else. so we stayed on for a while before we had a walk around suntec then travelled back home. saw a quite a nice looking pouch in springfield but i was hesitant on purchasing it- because of price? a little. ($59) how i wish my classmates bought me this instead. haha.

so tempted to buy a cheap holga camera now and start snapping. i got this good deal from my friend: http://khloee.livejournal.com/13911.html#cutid1 (you can get to see some of the shoots taken by the owner in it too)

during the trip i suddenly had this idea of having a holga camera for my very future honeymoon trip (other trips too but that was what came through my mind first...which is pure dreaming.). i guess this can be a very good leisure hobby for me. but i doubt i will go beyond holga i guess. no matter what there are somethings which digital cameras can't replace.

"I will either get what I want, or learn what I need to in order to get what I want or better the next time."

they say that drama depicts life. i say music depicts feelings right to my heart.

i saw that warning sign. i let it go too easily. i accused and grumbled.

but i chose to crawl back to my bed of knives.

happy birthday.

maybe i shall buy something to please myself a little and let me forget about my tired legs and bad sales.

"you are light."

i am sorry clubbers but to me this is what clubbing really means:



basically i have only been going out with my friends for the entire week...spending money like farting. luckily i am gonna work for the next four days to try recoup my 'loss'. why did i say try? i have already had some items in mind to buy even before i start work- pair of converse sneakers, some t-shirts, real unique shirts, bermudas...argh. and stuff for ns.

i will really need to buck up on my less than impressive way of managing my finances...even though i can more or less be able to support myself financially but i am clearly aware that it will never be enough for me in the future. at least with my projected expenses for life in university.

either way i have zero mental preparation for tomorrow. maybe i must brain wash myself for the rest of the night to have myself in the promoter mood by the morning.

got addicted to coldplay's music these few days...the music is clear and the lyrics are deep. it just doesn't bore me to keep listening to their songs like the scientist, warning signs and a rush of blood to the head...even when i am writing this post now. haha.

again i will be in suntec at friday. second time. wonder what will the weather be for that day...what will i feel on that day too.

"it loses its meaning, eventually."

had some job training for the upcoming IT show from 11th june till the 14th. my friend and i were kind of late (the truth is we were having our kaya toast brunch at the basement when we were supposed to meet them up) to meet up at the central at clarke quay.

quite surprised it's a crowd for this brand this time. and most of the would be promoters are guys...except for just one girl who is...well let's move on shall we?

so we went up to the office building (which seriously has a hotel-like environment) and the office...gives me quite a different impression.

received printouts, sat down and here they go. on my left there's two new noobs who's gonna be our colleagues for the upcoming four days (and most probably die in our hands) and the right of my friend were a bunch of monkeys who claimed to be the experienced promoters for this brand. why would i call them a bunch of monkeys for no reason?

simple. while the presenter kept emphasising on the importance of asking him questions if unsure, there this particular guy who asks seriously brainless questions (self defined: questions generated because you are lazy to think it through) and the rest of his friends making noises here and there...

got quite bored and decided to go with my friend mid-way during the presentation (he has a medical appointment to attend and "so do i"). so i escaped from boredom and he has to go off to outram park. so i got the other friend coming out of his house to meet me asap while i have a trip to funan for some memory sticks prices.

and i concluded that i should wait for the arrival of the IT show.

then i went to the two peninsula plazas (didn't really give a damn which one is the plaza which is the mall but i know one is burmese infested even during weekdays and the other seems more normal) to look out for t-shirts, shoes and short pants...quite disappointing i guess. the only thing that got me interested was a pair of bermudas with not well done fabrics.

so i walked around with the other friend around the raffles city shopping mall while waiting the other to finish up his check up. AGAIN i couldn't see the esprit bag i saw at tampines days back...franchises in singapore seriously are not product sync.

went to orchard and meet up. walked around (with nothing that i got interested in), chit chatted, ate and went back. kind of fruitless shopping trip in the end.

not in a mood to work. too many lazy bones in me i guess. or maybe i am focusing too much on what to get for myself...haha.

a great day at johor!

i was quite pissed off in the morning because my mother sort of lied saying that we will get back by afternoon. and it got more irritating when we were stuck in the sbs bus along the way to the m'sia checkpoint.

but the feeling got off very soon as our uncle picked us off for lunch.

so we arrived at this small (but luckily air-conditioned) shop that sells snacks confectionery etc. but i heard that their soon kuey is nice so all of us got quite a number of each flavour to try. oh they are quite nice. the skin is thin enough...though the filling is not as much as compared to those sold in sg...

next we went to a kelong! quite anxious along the long trip to some deserted kind of wooden jetty.

so we reached there...walked on the wooden planks (not a row of nicely placed ones but sparsely spread with spaces between each other) of the jetty...climbed down a few steep steps to the floating platform and onto a small boat.

frankly speaking it was my first time to such a place so i got nervous at the start. but after i began to adapt to the floating platform and seeing my big sized uncle getting more nervous of not balancing himself and fall, i began to ease.

so we spent quite a while and effort to get ourselves onto the boat and set off to the kelong. very short trip of only a few minutes.

we boarded up the kelong (after a short while of alighting everybody up) and...quite nice is what i can say about my first impression. no matter what it was my first time so many things look interesting at that moment- the scenery, what those guys (my uncle's friends) do at there etc...

they are actually growing mussels (of a few kinds) for sale. they are also selling some baby mussels (which actually don't come with the shell). unfortunately they just started out this business and the first batch of mussels were only down in the sea two months ago (upon asking i was informed that mussels are ready for harvesting only after six to eight months).

scenery wise it was so so...at my back it's m'sia so in front of me it's sembawang and its shipyards... -.-
and it was quite hot even with some sea breeze at the middle of the afternoon.

so an indian guy was getting ready to fish with young mussel flesh as bait...two chinese guys doing some maintenance...my uncle and my mother soaking their legs in the sea water while i paced around looking at the scenery and somewhere which is cooler.

after we went ashore we went to a shopping mall (in which we bought some food and i got a t-shirt) and then dinner.

a small looking stall opposite a shop house at the corner. seems normal (with some flies) but my uncle recommended it for their satay, nasi lemak and rendang chicken. so we had a try of all of it and...oh man. the rice is full of fragrance...the rendang chicken is not spicy yet tasty with its hard to forget rendang sauce...and the satay. we got ourselves chicken and mutton (too bad i can't get myself beef when i am with my mother) satay as side dish. i dare to say that's the best i have eaten in my life...especially the mutton sticks. let's just compare...you know those typical sg mutton sticks? small sized, hard and dry ones? as compared to bigger meat fillings, very fresh (the charcoal was just done when we reached), juicy and soft. it's not burnt badly despite the habit of malay vendors grilling with strong charcoal flames; only with some soot here and there so i can say because of that the mutton's tenderness and juiciness is wickedly retained. paired with a plate of satay sauce...heavenly.

i ordered a cup of some tea (which i have no idea what it's called in english) by the suggestion of my uncle. it has literally three layers of ingredients when served- the top layer being the tea, at the middle condensed milk and lastly some thick brown sugar solution at the bottom. oh that's nice too. it's just like...iced milk tea with more fragrance brought by the brown sugar. but it doesn't get you thirsty after that. drools.

well at least today was not badly spent.

things to get:

-digital watch for ns
-shaver
-any other ns related/recommended items
-cool sony mp3 player! (optional though)

when the tvs first came out entertainment grew to further heights. so are the artistes.

many entertainment companies are eager to hire artistes for various reasons and aspects of entertainment. as there were often shortages of such talents, scouts from various companies are always out to keep an eye on any possible options for grooming and nurturing.

you are counted lucky in if you were one of those scouted. but does that bring you stardom right after this? hell no. it's just the start of all the hard work and determination to stay in the industry.

so now with HD tvs just out and right after that LED tvs as thin as my finger emerge. speed is everything nowadays. the same applies to entertainment too.

big entertainment companies nowadays are those with big money, big stars. so perhaps the big gets bigger and over shadows the small sooner or later.

so you want stardom? which kind of company will you join?

on the other hand the big boys in the industry will also want to get the best diamonds out there. somebody who can create an instant impact. from the start. how about the end? who cares?

so what gives the supposedly big star an instant impact on the public? first impression of course. if that is accompanied with lots of advertising and packaging i am sure many will be hooked. so basically if you have the so called "x-factor" (which can mean anything), then the big boys will have the cash to spend on you.

it's quite surprising too that amidst a small bunch of those who still work hard to get popular, the majority of them are still embraced by their die hard fans ever since that impact hit on them. hard work wise it's quite debatable but i am sure their fans wouldn't really take that into consideration at all.

went back to the poly campus for the last few times to meet up with my classmates attending the graduation ceremony. kind of draggy at the area outside convention hall and the weather was quite hot.

took them quite another while to decide on another place to lunch out later (because the initial place set was quite expensive to some people). then we set off to marina square's seoul garden for lunch.

well i can say the atmosphere at first wasn't that great because of late guests and some emo faces...but when the food is brought i guess (at least for my table) it got better. so we eat and eat...

meal's done with and some of them had to leave early...so left with a bunch of guys who decided to go lan gaming all the way till 10 plus. end of day.

i don't know why but i sometimes feel quite out of place yesterday...

three years flashed past...more or less i think it's kind of wasted as usual...just like the secondary school days. oh well. hopefully i can find a proper part time job soon.

so i was going to board the lift at my flat just now when this old lady asked me to let her in. she said ninth floor even asked me which floor do i stay. then she requested me to accompany her to the ninth first.

i thought the job's over but she said no that isn't her flat. she then asked me to accompany her to go down a floor to have a look. i was sure she isn't my neighbour upstairs but i still let her have a go. i decided to call my mother at the eighth floor (she did help an old lady look for her flat and i thought she might be the same person). luckily she remembered where the old lady stays and i suggested to bring the old lady over to the correct flat.

and i knocked, knocked and pressed the bell to nobody in the flat. with the old lady saying that she doesn't have the house keys, she suggested that she will go down to the senior citizens' area and wait for her son to pick her up.

along the way she asked me which floor i stay twice, whether i wanna have her packet rice twice, what floor is this many times (at different floors) and thank you for many times.

the last thing i can help her is to put her with the folks around here and let her wait till her son comes to look for her.

quite a long day out.

had to do all the crap in my house until my friend "saved" me from the depths of hell when he asked me to go out first.

already had the desire to go to far east to look for tops or what not...so "escaped" quickly to orchard to meet my friend.

quite disappointed by what i could find or see. i really wonder the problem lies on the quality of the stuff sold or i am too picky for anything...the whole 2 hour plus trip the only item i saw was a glam black pair of zara shoes. $89.90. Let me observe the situation during the great singapore sales then.

went to bukit batok later to meet some poly classmates for friend's 21st birthday bbq. everything was still ok though we didn't have much for that bbq. feel kind of weird because we had to leave for jurong point before the cake cutting celebrations took place.

so we had to leave to jurong point to find another friend to buy/get her the birthday gift. as we left a little late to get her a bag from espirit. spent quite a long while to decide between a really average bag and another slightly above kind of bag. i had to ask them to vote before we got an answer. before the staff really get irritated by our last minute efforts.

met our friend up and decided on some hong kong restaurant to have a simple meal. along the way...now to think of it...i am kind of like a support. on one corner we have a couple in the cliq...one corner we have another classmate who just joined us then left shortly...then 1 guy trying to share (and maybe to gain attention?) his ns experience with the rest...or maybe specifically to the girl he likes...

so that guy talk and talk...and his usual habit of blurting anything out became his dead spot...again. blurted something on the couple were kind of unsettled on and the girl's face changed all of the sudden. they are actually going to genting with the girl's family soon and yet the guy doesn't want the girl to accompany him to the ferry terminal for bmtc...because he might miss her badly? huh? i am a little blur on his reasons though.

so the atmosphere turned to the down side for a while before we decided to foot the bill and go home (it was a little late too).

"if the foundations are weak and you insist to build on from there, basically you are waiting for it to collapse."

"没有100分的男女朋友, 只有50-50的情侣."

when i listen to various songs sometimes it's interesting that i would have the deja vu feeling from it...

was listening to the old mando-pop songs in my library when that feeling came back again. i then realised that it's not deja vu...i have just put a right song for that exact moment.

birthday girl's bbq tomorrow! kind of look forward...at first. but upon hearing that some of the guys are not going i am starting to cross my fingers...

kind of surprised that the organiser of the bbq is the exact birthday girl...but she's getting a ipod touch!

...there i go again.

hopefully i will watch all of these movies asap...

terminator salvation
night at the museum 2
transformers 2
blood
up

it's been a while from my last post. been a little busy from last friday onwards...so sort of trying to rest (a lot) and catch up with the stuff i have to do.

worked for a three day IT bazaar thing in CK Tangs last friday. Everything went quite smoothly...just that the event perhaps didn't turn out to have a very good response at the start...

at first the event was opened only to visa card holders (was it platinum and above?)...but the crowd response...maybe it's because it's only a friday afternoon...

so the privilege of having such visa cards mean that you are entitled to shop in this allocated area and buy various IT products with discounted prices (coughs and clear my throat) using your card.

soon it was 6pm and they suddenly opened to the public. so for the second day and third day the guys from Tangs have to open up to the public with the discounted prices to everyone...

-.-

i wonder what will those card holders who bought something on the first day think of this. perhaps they wouldn't care much about that too but...oh well. this issue is very debatable.

the good thing was that my friend worked with me through those three days. we chatted and joked around quite a lot (because we don't have to promote at all unless approached by customers) and didn't really care about the sales...

but through him i was able to reflect on quite some issues and my plans after ns...hopefully we can keep in contact in the near future.

next thing...i should say is a piece of good news. one of my good old friend (that same guy who fancied that girl bound for further studies at UK) is starting think properly at least...haha. majority of the praises should go to the club cliq he is close to now...they really discussed the relationship with the girl with him and has more or less been persuaded before he approached boss character (and that's me! because i have already told one of the guys beforehand that i will be the bad guy for this issue) for advice.

well i don't have to say much to let him understand my point. though he complimented that my opinion is on the general scope of the issue instead of pin-pointing the details, his personality flaws etc. which helped him more but i feel that if he doesn't accept the details then he couldn't have seen the bigger picture i tried to depict to him.

well i certainly think that it's a good start for him...not too late.

then off they went to genting for three days two nights! sobs...

so envious of them...but i rather save up now...even if it's just a mere S$150++.
but it also triggered me thinking on where to go for my uni graduation trip...hong kong? japan?

friends' birthdays coming up...one of them is receiving a ipod touch for her 21st birthday...cool.
one my friends asked me what do i want for my birthday and i was like...huh? asking me for my birthday gift? though i don't really like it this way but apparently nothing is on my mind now...

but my mother is right. it's better than they buying something that i might not like later. sighs. how i wish i can tell them i don't want anything. sounds stupid huh? after paying up for the rest of the gifts and not expecting something back...but i just don't like the idea of asking...

and how i wish i can really be that greedy to have that for my birthday gift...i can carry on daydreaming then.

feels like having a cold war with a 7 year old friend...feels kind of...bad.

frankly i have to apologise for making my comments harsh for something small...perhaps i shouldn't have picked on that...

on the other hand it would really be a waste for such a friendship to go fragile because of a small matter...argh i have no idea.

jun cheng you are right. if you don't hate that person you have to tolerate.

happy mother's day to all.

went out with my family early morning for brunch at dian xiao er (jurong point). along the way met quite a number of people...lucky.

the food was not bad but somehow it didn't give me deja vu...too bad though.

accompanied my mother to orchard to get shoes.

perhaps i am tired today or what...i feel robotic at outside. so bored. maybe another round of shopping will hype me up. haha.

oh gosh gaga's in my head...listening to her latest songs from the fame. let's go gaga people.

just got back from some bbq gathering. so surprised by the potential couple. on the other hand i am happy for them should they get together...to me they look compatible. one's a leader one's a follower. but kind of funny because she had a good impression of him because he was looking for advice on getting another girl...haha.

but they might be faced with quite a lot of obstacles...one's going england for further studies soon the other going to ns...feel kind of sad for them that they found each other that late.

oh well. once again i am proven wrong. i thought such wierd pairings can't work. now then i know i have been too naive. on one hand i don't care but on the other i feel envious for them. one pair is already around for like a few months while the other...more or less ok.

sighs...what to do? just now along the way back home i kept telling myself my turn is not up yet...it shouldn't bother me etc...but in the end i still felt inferior. i wouldn't say that i have no confidence...but some things are already decided when you are borned.

"out of the weirdest elements come the perfect compound."

random.

jun cheng i am lazy to tell you personally but...today a suddent thought came into my mind.

still remember you told me that she ignores you and only approaches you when help is needed? i realised that perhaps it's because of the fact that you two are from different worlds means that you don't have a common topic with her?

i still remembered telling you about how realistic she was when she approached me on msn and in the end it was all about gpa. now i realised something from my part too...i have never treated her as a friend. i guess that really explains quite an amount of things from both points of view.

went with my friends to tiong bahru for X-Men Origins. well...unless you are there to see hugh jackman and his bulk of muscles or else please try to restrain your movie addiction for the the other upcoming titles. the storyline is quite stagnant and the actions...so so in my opinion.

"i don't know whether i am the alien in their eyes or they came from another planet."

was at bugis yesterday playing initial D arcade stage 5 when some guy suddenly requested to use my EK9...

after that it was as if i am watching the anime. he's damn good. and his timings are all in the top 3 rankings for all time attack maps...oh my god. my friend and i were totally totally demoralised.

but he's a nice chap. taught me quite some stuff on how to play it better. but he really surprised me when he said he's 31 when i thought he's just 20 plus...and one look my other friend said he's one big otaku. lol.

"i realised that i didn't lose you. i lost to myself and eventually got lost."

一个人就好- 刘力扬

街 挤满了欢笑

太不适合 眼泪凑热闹

快跑 快寻找 无人 的转角
不优雅时候 一个人 最好

爱 说退就退潮

我松开手 回忆却没放掉

未来 不来了 地球 继续绕
躲回温暖的梦 我一个人 就好

为什么 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后 我一个人过 就很好

心 很平静 地跳
只是寂寞 潜伏像海啸

突然某一秒 偷袭 我眼角
眼泪自己擦掉 我一个人很好

为什么 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后 我一个人过 就很好

What do you think? haha.

just random crap from me. since it's an old issue.

went to my friend's house yesterday...they own a nice dog! though they seem to 'abuse' it but it's very obedient. i want to own 1!

went to interview for information systems at smu. neither hard nor easy. e.g. estimate the number of christmas greeting cards sent out from singapore this year. we had to have an estimated answer within three minutes.

i will still say that the candidates were giving me pressure...one even had almost two years working experience at ncs...but somehow i feel confident. well arrogance is a double edged sword.

so my classmates went to sengkang to fly kite today. -.-

i guess i am a boring guy to start with...not to say going so far to do something i am least interested in and something better to be done with a couple (since we have one in our cliq/limelight) while they went as a group.

still quite pissed off with my friend today. asked me out just to see the girl he likes working at some shopping mall. please have some balls next time if you wanna do it...and still dare to tell me to go play after that...if i were to go i will feel just like a pawn you know? oh well even though that happens often...but that's it.

"never let others define the value of your life."

went out with my friends today to get a birthday gift.

along the way i discussed a messy issue (too lazy to note the details down but you can imagine what can happen between two guys and two girls la huh) with one involved.

now i see them from their point of view when they wanted to help me and another guy when we quarrelled and cold-war with each other badly...but i strongly believe i can help and solve the issue because i am dealing with guys. so it's easier compared to the time when they had to deal with two big boys.

so we walked along citylink when i chanced upon one of my poly classmates. hm...i don't know why perhaps she's without her contact lenses but it's just weird...? too much thoughts on this issue from my side perhaps...moreover i doubt i will care if she misinterprets anything and spread out or stuff like that.

got a call from SMU though in the morning saying that i am shortlisted for the degree in information systems... T.T

that was like...my last option for SMU? oh well. quite sad though...especially NTU doesn't even seem to bother sending me a mail of rejection? haha. let's see how the interview at friday goes before i decide.

went to malaysia with my mother today. not really a crowd at the checkpoint but the distance required to walk irritates me at times. luckily the new air con is able to keep me cool...

my mother was anxious to get me shoes because my old ones are either getting torned badly or slippery in rain...so she got me a pair of orange everlast slippers. then we went to FOS and saw another pair. and we bought it. -.-

i admit i am too picky on my choice of shoes because i was too stuborn on getting the puma el rey leather and tweed shoe or something look alike...oh well. walked quite a few rounds before i saw something quite nice...pair of "puma" shoes...

anyway.

so i kept repeating to myself "not now."

it's so hard to hide this thing known as "human nature"...it's just like hiding what's underneath your skin...and i know this is harder for me because i admit i am somebody who is easily distracted...was so since young...bad bad.

oh well. perhaps the upcoming stuff i gotta work on my project will keep me busy for now. at least i wouldn't let my mind go adrift easily...

and.

wondergirls are hot in SG...personally i feel there's this girl who is damn hot too...but wait. somebody pk against them! enjoy.

i am starting to dislike the word 'burden'...

"it's not the first time; so it's not the last."

林宥嘉- 伯乐

爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待着下一个
最后哪一个让你最舍不得

感谢不能让别人来说
你给过我的 她们是做不到的
那时候的幸福是真的 虽然过去了
我们也都经历了

释怀教育着仇恨 和平劝着天下人
故事发生便住下了 不管好的坏的
你让我成长了 就算是痛得值得

爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待着下一个
一个个过客过得快不快乐

爱你的那一个 伤你的那一个
谁才是你爱情中的伯乐
放弃了这一个 然后等待着下一个
别太多过客祝你早日快乐

离开时别忘了 看看眼前的人
流泪记住了 还是微笑祝福着

is there anybody who will tell me that i am stupid not to attend my polytechnic's graduation ceremony? i do have my reasons not to attend too though...time to defend myself! -.-

- we have to rent the graudation robe. $25 i think.
- i rather have a real graduation when i finish my university education. that's really where i start to enter the workforce and do the shit.
- the people who are going...oh well.

i can't buy the shoe i want! the puma's el rey series. quite old. and i even saw a limited edition. the smallest they have was too big for me... -.-

can anyone tell me are there any stores in singapore that sells old limited edition shoes...?

just got back from my academic club's freshmen orientation camp yesterday...damn tired even though i was only there for 2 days out of the total of 4.

seems pretty good to me. just that everything is more welfare focused for the organising commitee...moreover i shouldn't be always whining on the juniors...we were also once like them.

my class people bugging me to go mount faber yesterday...again! it's super lame ok...going to dating spot in a group...god damn it. if you pair like to go to such places can you please have more balls to go as a pair? i know we have time on our sleeves but i have 0 interest in wasting it for such decoy activities ok?

just went to the chalet with my poly friends...how should i say it? so so? like being an extra?

thought it's just a chalet...but the first time i see them together...what's that feeling? bitter? mushy?

i feel like i have to cooperate with the rest to let them have more time together...so...to me it's just like a chalet for them instead...with the extras as...decoys? huh?

even had "star gazing" with everybody when the weather was bad. -.-

perhaps that is a mixture of jealous and enviousness. though that doesn't really bother me but i guess that might be one of the last few outings i am gonna attend...

got physically screwed by going back and forth the preparation camp for my academic club's freshmen camp. seems damn pointless to be there at all times.

"we always want to be right to put aside the fear of falling down."

oh well...i am still a human. no matter what there are times i would laugh at the most unlikely couples...and there are times when i feel lost...lonely and uncertain about tomorrow.

and i just realised...the fundamental issues inside me are not resolved. is this what they say as "human nature"? or is it just me who is weak in the mind?

can anyone help me? or is that stuborn me being reluctant to keep my mind clear?

fancy getting my poly cliq asking me to go downtown east today...at yesterday night. -.-

should i say i am lucky to have something on planned beforehand?

sighs. i am getting anti-social.

went to nike, adidas, topman/topshop, dorothy perkins etc warehouse sales yesterday. then my friend and i realised that the sales actually started from 3rd march... -.-

so you can roughly guess what kind of stuff is left in there.

then we tried to look for slippers/sandals and shoes at bugis and suntec area but to no avail. nothing fancies me in singapore nowadays. so boring...

on the other hand...quite a handful of stuff happening right now...i am surprised that i am able to observe quite some stuff just through observing people's msn nicknames and blogs. it's ironic that i am gonna sit and 'enjoy' the show but it's certainly not for me to interfere with. all i will do is to learn along the way while having a good laugh at the way they see things.

so my advice to them is:

- stop pestering. it's irritating to have a person bugging you everywhere. and NEVER mention about ex-interest in front of her. anybody gets sick when comparisons are being made on themselves. oh ya...stop giving in so much. you have to be yourself.

- i don't know about you. you rejected him once and now you agreed. so you think you are trying? i bet that it's because this time he is closer to your friends and once you are indecisive and your friends say "try lah!"...and there you go. that must be a reason why you rejected him in the first place. so that reason is back haunting you right now. and that reason is sort of there only after you tried it out with him that time...remember? i will call it...perhaps "proved reason"? it's not just a reason derived from feelings.

even if this is solved the pressure from yourself comes with the fact that he's the one giving in to you all the times (my guess though). if i were to ask both of you what can you do for each other i bet he will say something stupid/mushy like "anything" while you will pause in hesitation. even though he sounds stupid but he is able to convert his feelings into words and ultimately actions. how about you? your feelings to him are already not clear...yet you are confused at how you should react to him. why? because you haven't really go and understand him...

oh well. love is blind. but love is not compulsory people. stop trying to 'love' others when you don't know how to love yourself.

my own statement of the day!

对陌生人得客气一点.
对朋友可豪放一点.
对情人得细心一点.
对家人可冲动一点.

time changes. to me that is an excuse for many people.

to me it's simply more logical that it's we ourselves who have changed through time and in the end it's we who will change time.

skins. justice is the skin of fear, agony, unfairness, barbaric acts and pain. love is just the skin of fear, loneliness, greed and lust. sounds cruel to you? think again. these are what we turn to when we have such symptoms...isn't it?

so i accompanied my uncle for the last trip.

everything was still ok...except for the cremation process. the monks appeared from nowhere chanted few minutes and there he goes into the chamber. it's like...huh? so fast?

it sort of irritated me and got me with no appetite afterwards.

at least there's a lot of friends who came from far...primary school friends...colleagues...even the ex-vice principal or something...i am glad that he had such good friends.

oh well...looks like i have fallen deeper. what is the thing that is worth holding onto in front of death...? money? fame? power? love?

we came naked so i guess at least we are properly dressed when we leave...besides that we can't bring anything along with us. it doesn't mean that we should just wait for our deaths...but what can you do to make your life experience unqiue? i guess from that point of view i can start to differentiate what is grown from greed and what's not.

a big extract from rainie yang's blog:

愛情, 確實會帶給人好心情、好氣色,
但是, 相對的, 也會帶來煩惱與憂愁.

其實一個人, 真的真的沒有什麼不好.
我常常覺得, "孤獨"有時候是一件很不錯的事呢!
獨處, 可以有更多時間可以思考, 把混亂的思緒整理清楚,
獨處, 可以有更多自由做喜歡的事, 不必考慮別人的想法.

談戀愛的時候, 因為要考慮另外一個人,總是患得患失,
往往失去自我、放下自尊, 甚至越來越不愛自己,
悲傷的愛情故事, 我已經聽得太多,
和自己談戀愛, 才可以多愛自己一點啊!

想像一個安靜空閒的午後...
一個人坐在窗邊, 泡一壺花茶,
什麼都不想, 什麼都不做,
看一本喜愛的書, 聽著輕柔的音樂 ,
這樣的自由與放鬆, 是一個人的享受,
絕對不是分享的快樂.

我也喜歡, 單身女郎雙人床,
那是愛怎麼翻滾就怎麼翻滾的空間,
寬大、自由、自在、舒服,
是可以不必隱藏情緒的私密空間,
是可以完全表現真我的個人空間.

跟自己戀愛,
或許沒有被呵護的甜蜜, 卻不會有被傷害的風險,
至少不會有失戀的心碎, 和被背叛心痛,
不需要為別人流淚, 為別人憔悴.

我知道自己是貪心的,
一但愛上個人, 我會要的很多很多,
愛情如果不能完美, 我寧願不要.

算我膽小吧, 愛情的賭注太大,
如果沒有八分的把握, 我想 我還是跟自己談戀愛就好,
然後, 靜靜等待真愛來臨的一天....

現在, 我只想多愛自己一些些, 可以嗎?

some real interesting videos to cure boredom:







and looks at this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/60302.stm

oh my god.

first sentosa...now monopoly competition... -.-

seriously do you guys intend to just keep coming out to keep this friendship fresh or what...?

good friends can still cliq well after a year of not meeting up. there's still msn etc...it's really up to both parties how they wanna keep up with each other...not by going out often and suck your own pockets dry. i am not some millionaire you know.

moreover. if people are meant to cliq together as friends they will be together for a long while...at least. it's not that i hate you guys or what so ever...but the frequency of you guys asking me out is...you get my point?

perhaps i am more of a laid back and lazy person...but to me true friendship exists with the simplest things spent to keep it alive.

oh ya. please let your girl like the person you are now. stop promising this and that (and still publicise on msn) for her. one screw up and you are done with. relationships is about feeling comfortable with the other's good points while accommodating his/her weak points. you can flood her all day long with honeyed words on msn but it will not solve the case. it's back to proper communication with your girl. -.-

like her for who she is now. not what she will be or what you imagine her as. i am very sure of that. i admit i am a rotting greenhorn on this but...i was once as stupid as you are now.

Makes Me Wonder- Maroon 5

I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

God damn, my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try (yeah)
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don't have a meaning
Cause...

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you and I...
So this is goodbye

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you,
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try, yeah
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry (Oh no)
So this is goodbye (Oh no)
So this is goodbye (oh no)
Yeah, So this is goodbye (Oh no)
Yeah, so this is goodbye (Oh no)
So this is goodbye

so i went to his funeral. his facial complexion was already changing in terms of colour. his tired family members...rituals...lots of his friends.

ceramation ceremony's changed to saturday. luckily i don't have to go to sentosa...?

i have no idea why zero mililiters of a tear drop appeared in front of my eyes. it always so for all the funerals i have gone to and remembered. maybe i am heartless. maybe emotionless. self centered to be exact.

and now i fancy being some sourgrapes for a new couple. childish kid trying ruin the happiness and atmosphere. oh well...looks like i have degraded to a loner or something.

he's gone for good.

got the call at morning of the bad news. the cremation ceremony etc should take place at friday.

no tears. no smile. just farewell.

i am glad i chose not to go for the dinner and dance at friday...or else it's either i waste my money for nothing or i will go there and spoil the whole event. i just don't have the mood now for anything.

so if those bunch of people who thinks that i am trying to be anti-social or i have a problem...please go ahead. you can't really expect me to go like some ubin cycling or batam trip a day after my uncle's funeral...i can't bring myself to that. i am sick of the way life is and the way you guys plan for all these activities.

and anyways...congratulations (if i am not wrong...instincts tell me so) if our dear stubborn blockhead is finally together with the princess...after his plan A failed. my sincere blessings for you guys and i am sure you two don't want me the party spoiler to be there for the activities.

death.

it was saturday when i received the call from my parents that my uncle is brain dead. so for the rest of the day i simply had no mood to really work...plus quite a number of things happened over at the IT show.

he's just 26. and now we are just watching him turn into a corpse...slowly. i don't really know why the idea of taking that survival machine off from him is objected but to me...it's the same.

changes.

think it was friday when i noticed that he actually came to visit 'us'. but the truth told was he was going to woo her again... -.-

what the hell loh. fancy coming back when plan A fails.

had a short chat with my friend through sms about this issue. he said that it's human nature and everybody changes. he chose to accommodate everyone...makes me wonder what did i choose subconsciously...perhaps a monster?

sorry guys i just don't have the mood to attend the dinner and dance. and perhaps even the supposedly outing at saturday. i have no idea when i need to be there for the funeral.

interesting part from my friend's blog:

We Make Them Cry Who Care For Us.
We Cry For Those Who Never Care For Us.
And We Care For Those Who Will Never Cry For Us.

This is the Truth Of Life., it's Strange But True.
Once You Realise This, It's Never Too Late To Change.

...........................................................................................................................

Never Explain Yourself To Anyone.

Because the Person Who Likes You Doesn't Need It,
And The Person Who Dislikes You Won't Believe it.

oh well.

getting a little blur for this.

life's a joke- laugh while you can.

gonna work at IT show from tomorrow onwards. have 0% of mental preparation for it. how?

just went to watch watchmen. was quite surprised that it was far more meaningful than the dark knight...because the movie actually reflected on my general view of the world and humans...but i still prefer dark knight! haha.

so lazy to work properly. unfortunately not gonna attend the last year of DMIT's Annual Dinner & Dance...

have to consider so many things...especially with the uni stuff after NS...$$ matters. a lot.

and i realised my liking for going to k-box has faded so much...

oh well. i am sure that whatever facebook game they are playing now will be fun...

i don't know...looks like i still can't be decisive on that. wake up...

"life's a joke."

so...hello...rotten world.

god damn it...

my uncle's situation got worse. already had 2 operations and yet the tumour's back- and bigger.

i think this is my first and last "what the fcuk" i am gonna say in this blog.

he's a nice guy. has a devoted girlfriend- goes back and forth the hospital to visit him.

sighs...

all i can do is to pray for him.

there's no such thing as fair. i realised.

finally had a better sleep yesterday night.

in the past i thought deriving an answer to everything is vital.
but the fact is i was too gutless to venture into somewhere unknown and i hold on to the questions till a satisfactory answer is fed to my brain.

and thus all these questions burden me along the way. i guess that's part of a definition for egoist.

to get an answer i want at the expense of ignoring everyone beside me is selfish. during my secondary school days i thought leaving the school means i can put down the troubles behind and start afresh. and look i was going back to this scenario now. it's stupid and selfish to expect a good ending without experiencing any problems along the way...草莓族.

no cakes look nice with a slice missing.

and why carry a falling rock when you can be as light as feather?

i am getting more and more nocturnal recently. slept at 2am plus yesterday. looks like i am stubborn with my dear uncle recuperating because of a cancerous tumor in his brain...caused by excessive usage of computers, TVs...in general anything that gets your ass radiated.

first there's 1 at next tuesday. now another 1 at this saturday. oh my god. now i am just like their designated host. or rather that's what i felt.

making me go for all these...i don't it will help. or rather i don't think i will help myself according to what you guys think how i should. if all these are for the post taiwan gatherings then leave me out. i am fine with it. if not...this matter is dragging us down for too long. this crap was started by me. let it end it my way.

though i pity those who don't have a clear idea what happened to me...for once i thought some of them might think i have turned into some big shot face or i don't like somebody in the cliq etc...but that is for you to assume on. don't worry though i will keep in contact with you guys in a one to one manner...hopefully. but as for the group i think it's crappy to stay in this way. i am not happy when i am wandering around in this group. and this group can jolly well stay together without me.

maybe my thoughts on this are all irrelevant and too deep. but either way seems that my body has agreed to it.

so...shall i be your host for the events?

i just found out that night jogging can be fun. quiet surroundings in general. cool breezes replaces the chit chatting and old man workout music in the morning.

from far i thought i saw the moon tonight like a slice of lemon while jogging. stupid right?

it's like ages ago when i told myself to start working out cut out the lard wandering around my tummy. but it's only now that i am gonna force myself do something about it and perhaps with the adidas sundown marathon...?

i can't come up with a proper reason why did i agree to go for that outing. perhaps i should watch more ouran host club to be a better host. but i still go along with others' wishes. isn't that stupid? do you do that all the time?

"blessings."

either i am too fast to be wrong...or i am too slow to be right.

here's a proposed scenario of a boy who has a bunch of balloons tied to his hands with strings. unfortunately this boy will have to enter the army camp for a long time soon...

obviously the bunch of balloons has to be released. it was him who got these few balloons together. now he has to release them. how will these balloons fly? would anybody know? maybe they will continue to stick together (apparently they are more bonded with each other)...

but either ways...get me a pair of scissors. either way no point keeping a black balloon in amidst of white ones. spoils everything.

i realised i prefer having friends in a one to one relationship. i am not really suited to be in a group kind of thing. easier to handle and maintain i guess.

the world is like a big cage...with all kinds of animals in it.

casually surfed the net with the query: "are humans classified under the animal kingdom"

answer is yes. (now then i remembered of a scientific name for humans...some homo sapien crap.)

what came with the results were the interesting part- some raised this question on why humans are classified under the animal kingdom (on a spiritually basis).

vaguely went through some comments...many started talking about souls...wait. souls. souls?

i guess many of us might be misled by the mainstream ideas.

we always say it's human nature that we are greedy. hm...what if i were to rephrase this as "when there's competition we get aggressive; otherwise we are greedy."?

if you agree with me on this then the question pops- so are we really different from animals?

try spitting saliva on me with things like we are more civilised than animals etc.

please keep in mind our ancestors came from the forests of africa; we drilled this so called fact into our brains just to just hallucinate ourselves that we are far more superior than those staring at us blankly from their enclosures. aren't we ourselves in a big cage- physically and mentally?

in national geographic you see animals hunting one another everyday. but how many people reviewed on the idea of the fact that sometimes in order to capture such shots a prey is purposely being released in the area for the predator?

obviously we don't kill each other with claws and teeth. the aftermath is so dirty and messy. thus we do the same with mouth and pens. or perhaps with a gun- a shot and leave with the bloody mess behind.

"oh we do have thoughts, feelings and languages as humans."

so animals don't think? if they don't they could have been extinct long time ago with a lack of proper habits (e.g. migrating birds to ward off the seasons). and they have been utilising the greatest engine of evolution long before the monkeys rot around in the forests. i am sure if a typical elephant were able to see its dear mammoth ancestors with a comment i guess that would be something like "wtf?"

languages? thanks to our political instincts every race has their own language to keep hold of their pride. dolphins communicate using sonar waves. we copied them for other usage instead. -.-

feelings? don't make me laugh. animals do have feelings too. we think they because we don't really get to see how many pigs cry before they are being slaugthered everyday. and looks like we invented something known as love which doesn't seem to have a proper definition...and perhaps to not let the males go mating everywhere...just in case somebody brings this issue up as a point of argument.

when our ancestors started out they had to fight against other kinds of animals. now we built our own kingdom of humans...leaving the animals at bay. with the remnants of our animal instinct...and no more animals to fight with...in the end humans fight among each other...the human way.

so we have built a human empire with the foundations of our animal like instincts...smoked through stuff with our very own concepts and hallucinations. fought and killed like humans. think like humans. feel like humans.

i hope the animals around us are not laughing at us. if not it surely means that they are smart enough to know that we rised and fell because of the same reason- we want to be known as humans.

“太快来的幸福就像过期的牛奶-要喝了才知道。”

some interesting newspaper header:

心开就开心

...

...

...?

been too lazy to just exercise for a while. all the lard's gathering to create a new continent...sighs.

well i might be wrong...but my guts and balls tell me that you are looking at my posts. took too long to sense it perhaps but...so what?

if you are the one talking about the vicious cycles etc...you are the one who is in a real cycle.

i just merely stopped moving around in circles. i don't wanna get myself dizzy in circles.

i appreciate that you utilised your brain cells to interpret my msn personal message on "slavesoftrance" for that short period of time...but please. there was a time when i longed to see you. but the more i think of it, the more i realised how foolish i was...how naive we were. perhaps that should explain what happened when we crossed each other at jurong east.

to me letting go means i don't go pester you this and that. this blog is my mental dump ground. i feel it stupid to keep it private just to not let you see it since not many people knows of its existence. it wasn't meant to affect others and start repsonding in any manner. it's just my dumping ground.

frustrating.

it's my habit to hesitate when i have options. a very bad one.

things always change. some did for a reason but some don't.

i have no idea what will i become tomorrow. because i can't expect tomorrow to be a sunny one when my today's a fog. how strong will i be with the rain tearing me down? i don't have the answer. but i guess i have chosen to not be others' burden anymore.

maybe it's just a nicely written excuse to hide away my arrogance. but either way i know i suck at all these human relationships kind of stuff. perhaps i am better with animals.

life is too long.

thursday

last day of my attachment at chinatown. was almost like slacking throughout the 1st half of the day until the last minute stuff came in. had to rush through the stuff etc. but in the end was quite late for the dinner reserved by my colleagues.

the meal was at far east plaza. nice cosy place. their main speciality is their grilled stuff in sticks...too bad i am lazy to upload the photos here...anyway thanks again for those who accompanied me for the dinner. nice working experience with you guys and all the best. =)

friday

had to go back to school for debrief. had one of the last few lunches in fc6 with my friend. then the debrief. damn boring and long winded. handed up my logbook to my liaison officer. a sign of freedom.

celebrated friend's birthday. had dinner at some vivocity cafe. later we went to sentosa for the musical fountain. followed by a short stroll on the beach (meaning a bunch of us disturbing those couples celebrating an early valentine's day).

that night was actually a prologue for today. of course my heart tells me to take a step forward...but my brain tells me that it's a step down a cliff. i don't know what's right for this. it's either you gave a wrong idea or i am too desperate.

today

happy valentine's day to all couples and the couples would be.

i will move on...at least physically. say me stuborn or what. i guess i don't even have the stakes to gamble on this table. so why bother?

You Found Me - The Fray

happy birthday.

been a while since i last posted...was quite busy with myself and troubled by some issues...thus i got myself into late nights.

went out with some of my friends at friday. but i was late because of mahjong in my company! oh my god. sounds stupid ya? i was so determined to win that i went all the way to the 3rd round before i could only get myself a small win. in the end i left the office at around 7pm when i am supposed to be there with my friends already.

when we had dinner together i suddenly felt that i am more...like being myself perhaps? at least i know i am not hiding myself in 1 corner with the bigger crowd of them. it's scary to see what my friends really are at times i admit. hopefully i can still see them after we graduate...

on the other hand, they somehow seem too enthuastic to ask me join them for this and that...for this i admit maybe i have changed. i am rather tired from handling all these EQ kind of stuff...plus her presence created conflict inside myself again...it's like you really wanna say everything out to her but you saw the future of them...did anybody experience something like this before?

hopefully that bunch who went out with me at friday understand where am i now...but anyway thanks for the friday night.

"it's scary to get close with a friend and yet see his true colours in the end."

thank god i got PES A for my medical checkup...perhaps i was nervous during the 1st 2 rounds of my ECG...but i tried to confirm with the doctor who assessed me during the 2nd round...and he just said that i am ok now. i got PES A. that's all. thanks arh doc. -.-

napfa was something i wanna forget asap. theoretically i will fail immediately, pack up and go home (because the 1st station i did was the pull ups and once you fail something for napfa you gotta go in drink tekong water 3 weeks earlier than the rest). but somehow the invigilator did something...maybe i got bronze in the end? though it doesn't matter but i thank him. haha. but still the test got my muscles cramped up. -.-

went for my classmates' CNY visits. was in one of the houses when one of the mother said something like come back at next year...when i suddenly smirked inside myself.

was intending to buy something like a cake for yesterday's birthday boy at thursday when i just found out that actually the rest had already bought something for him. and i was told that i have a share of the price. can someone help me describe this feeling? i dare the organiser of this crap get money from me personally. or if anybody who sees this post and find that it doesn't matter or i am too sensitive or even biased towards the organiser- please tell me.

again i am twirling around my options after i have completed my attachment. more or less i have eliminated something...but i don't have the balls to go for 1 option. damn.

either i have turned into some sour grapes or a monk.

suddenly i am interested in the word 'fall'. consider these 2 phrases- "to fall down" and "to fall in love". does it sound ironic to you? or maybe it's because i tend to see it as the glass is half empty

my best wishes to all for chinese new year!

been rather busy these few days thus this late post.

oh well.

no matter what this chinese new year turned out to be quite plain for me...reason? i don't know it myself.

hopefully it doesn't get worse at friday and saturday. haha.

went to CMPB for checkup at thursday...had ECG twice and had abnormal results. damn. now i am ordered to go back just for that...and i got PES D! -.-

foolishly all the possible scenarios came into my mind...including the worst scenario (in which i got PES F for some heart problems). suddenly i felt more willing to go for NS.

should i go to the visits during CNY? i have 0% of mood to do so. perhaps i should end stuff with a good note.

the temp jobs after my attachment is also getting on my nerves...i just can't decide. -.-

i am ready for shopping! already got 1 shirt or whatever in my attention.

was on my way to the mrt station when i saw this sticking on a lorry:

"情人难求，爱人难留"

but i have no idea why did it still ring a bell in my head.

countdown to chinese new year! but i am left with a week or so...

going for NS checkup tomorrow.

what the hell...just got stucked in my house with a hour plus long black out...damn.

anyway i am so looking forward to chinese new year...though i am carrying some doubts for the festive season's schedule...but of course. hope everything goes well after that.

all the irregular working, rest, eating hours and habits got me so tired and fat... -.-

with the dying fireworks 2009 didn't really start as well as i wished for. well the damage is done anyways.

resolution for 2009:

hm...

- more actions, lesser noise
- more solutions, not crap on the problem
- drop what is unnecessary, pick up what is needed
- work smart, not work hard
- spend with more brains
- more balance, not being extremal
- be less rash
- more productive
- more considerate
- survive in NS

spent the whole of sunday hiding inside my house...

father is out the whole day working. while my mother and sister went to malaysia for my grandfather's death anniversary. so it's home alone for me.

bloody bored. generally the whole day was of school rumble term 2. got hooked on from season 1...with very funny scenarios...of course with all the different kind of girls...speaking of that...YAKUMO!!! -.-

oh well. perhaps i have always been out for the previous weekends...loneliness crept into me. to be just like an otaku watching anime whole day long...wasn't my style. what am i really short of? or rather why can't i be satisfied of the current situation? and it's only a day... -.-

this familiar kind of solitary...familiar kind of quietness and feeling...it sucks. but i am getting the hang of it...and starting to like it.

guess i am not wrong about this but...i actually expected that before from you jo...sour grapes from me perhaps at that point of time but i didn't expect it to be that quick...

time to wake up. you are just solving the problem by changing to this guy...that guy...whatever. even if i am part of the cycle...still. you can't solve a problem when you don't even know what is the problem.

if you choose to be tied with a guy...don't keep changing the guys and feel that it's the guys who keep scarring your heart when you don't know about being tied down. i admitted i don't. even up till now. and i have decided i am too lazy to understand all these transactions and crap.

don't waste your time. don't waste their time. don't hurt them. don't hurt yourself. stupidly.

seems tough but i am sure you will find what you really want once you are clear in the head.

"work smart, not work hard."

i finally understand and agree to this sentence. it's just merely the results that matter.

as usual a busy week. even felt unwell today. spoilt a number of stuff i had in mind to settle on...plus to attend to some small stuff...bored.

seems that the Xmas disease got to me rather early this time...it's especially prominent when you are working. you just dread to have a public holiday asap. haha.

looks like my Xmas schedule is a little busy than the previous years...but somehow i can't really feel the spirit from this festive season...interesting.

well at least it's just me that got into such a freakish kind of situation.

the company i am working with has just hired quite a number of people for the year ahead. 1 of the guys (or rather there's no new female employees) is at his 30's...and i can relate to him quite well. all the stuff on family, direction etc...looks like i am experiencing aging faster than i thought. and never marry an old man like me. i will most probably irritate the hell out of you.

hopefully the year ahead doesn't irritate me with all the unnecessary crap, thinking etc...so that i shall focus on getting onto the next level. haha. so it's many no-nos...

lastly thank you ashley for the domo kun key chain. i still think it's a little over-sized but i shall see what i can do with it. haha. do remember to think on what you wanna eat ya?

a very nice song from mirror's edge. somehow i sense the emo stuff from the feelings of the song.

anyways...bro i hope you are eventually alright...even though i have no idea of what happened to you...but we can't hold everything to ourselves...the good and the bad- we still have to either let go or live with it.

regarding the comment that you find it irritating with me appearing offline all the time...well at the daytime my company 'bans' the usage of msn messenger during working hours so i have to appear offline so that i can still keep in contact with the rest in daytime. as for night time it's more of a habit for me to appear offline...since it doesn't really make a difference whether i am online or not...but still i would really like to listen to your reasons...be it personal or not.

really hope that we can chat properly again.

was on my way to get tomorrow's breakfast for my family just now...when i saw someone very familiar...my friend's ex-girlfriend. kenny zheng if you ever see this post i hope the salt doesn't get to your wounds. but anyways their story didn't turn very great at the end. for me it just got me the flashback on the kallang trip with the couple. what a couple date event...what an ending.

that radical side of me is devouring everything...good question from ashley- "will you turn into a miserable old man in the future?"

i am afraid it's a yes.

anything anybody will say but i am just a tortoise with its head withdrawn on a bed of roses. oh well.

x'mas is coming! my company is holding a party on...the afternoon of 24th dec? haha. quite a new experience to me. and the theme...i heard it's on the 70s or 80s. oh man. retro stuff. and i have a wishlist! but this christmas wouldn't be very different from others i guess...

-zara jeans ($99.90) oh my god...expensive but really suits my new shirt!
-more shirts from springfield
-black gem ring
-black gem chest pin

maybe i should spend my christmas with my family.

been quite a while since i last blogged seriously.

i think up till now...i have to answer to myself to some questions:

-is there any proper reason why am i suddenly so busy? or rather why have i been making myself so busy? am i trying to run away from something?

-why are my views on certain topics so extreme? even if it makes my mind feel more balanced...is this the right way to rely on on the long run?

-why am i restraining myself on some stuff yet i let myself go wild on other things?

-am i still myself?if not can i get back to what i wanna be at some point of time?

wierd questions but...seems that i never spend time to solve them thoroughly...and as usual i am lazy to think of all of these.

你不是真正的快乐

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色

你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了

你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著

而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了

越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色

你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了

把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了

當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇

於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色

你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了

把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合

我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河

難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色

為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢

能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻

重新開始活著

stayed overnight yesterday at the office to complete some mock-up website. hopefully everything goes well...

life...i guess is like a strand of grass.

it is meant to endure the strong winds...even storms that might come.
some chose to be unique...stand out from the rest.
but soon they realise they will be standing on a plot of barren land.
so in the end some turned yellow. lifeless. dying. even without fulfilling their true purpose.

so what is the purpose of every strand of grass? grow taller than everyone else?
i guess to stand out also means a responsibility to hold onto. you have to be stronger than everyone else at all times. not many people can do it. many of us turned yellow before we can fulfill our purpose of life.

i feel that the purpose of life is to be part of the greenery of grasses that forms a big, lush, landscape. it's never been one's purpose. it's just that the society nowadays tends to expose a variety of information to everyone. so are we supposed to wait till somebody else to tell you that it's wrong before you know it's wrong? then perhaps you have no idea on how to fulfill that unique purpose or you just simply don't have a mind of your own. i am sure everyone has the path to light. but some chose not to utilise their rationality and senses and fell into the dark.

just got myself a psp slim. i know i got hacked...sighs. it feels so bad.

damn.day of bad luck.

i just got back working from the Sittex show at expo. bought myself a seagate portable hard drive. quite a deal in the show itself.

BUT.

my booth was reported of a loss of the "company's" mp3 player. it's a samsung touch screen kinda of crap stuff. both my colleague and i have to compensate. T.T

now's the worst- my friend lost his precious N95 in the same period of time too.

don't let me see that f*cker again. i will make sure that his jaw will feel my fist or something.

"the greatest strength in love is the power of looking forward to see your loved ones again."

sometimes i wonder why am i making myself so busy...sometimes i wonder why am i lonely...sometimes i wonder why am i changing myself...sometimes i winder why i can't be myself...sometimes i wonder what was my initial purpose of these stuff...

sometimes.i feel out of place.i wish for an eternal night where the city is quiet.i wish to drop everything i have now and stroll till the end of time.i wish i can choose not to have a purpose of my life.

http://sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=9470

haha. this thread is damn funny to read. but i personally agree that having lesser seats in MRT carriages is damn bad...the people who said we will have an aging population soon...also said we should increase our birth rate...also said that we should get more priority seats for senior citizens or pregnant women...so now they are taking off the seats to squeeze more people in per trip? LOL sia. it's rare to find our dear government contradicting themselves...no ill comments but i hope the organisations/personnel involved should re-consider about this decision thoroughly.

but on the other hand...i don't really like it when senior citizens or pregnant women are not getting seats from the other commuters. i stand for at least 90% of my MRT trips nowadays. so to all Singaporeans: please give up seats to those who really need it...before all these seats are taken off and everyone's standing! XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBN7rEjjGrg

this is supposedly a footage from Japan...even though it's way much worse than ours but it's not really as if our population is as big as Japan's...but i wonder whether they do the same squeezing on elderly people and pregnant women too...? XD

this tempts me! this is actually the proposed successor for our old time favourite- AE86! sighs. i haven't even started to learn driving.

http://sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=9274

another interesting thread on money. but personally i feel that the issue exposes the mindset and attitude of people nowadays. especially the fact that it hints to me of the perception of having sexual intercourse as a transaction and how people perceive of money...sad.

been painting for thursday and friday. damn. in the end it's as if i have to start all over again. boring stuff...

initially planned to go out today for shopping...suddenly i lost the feeling to do so. feel like slacking the day off before i go work tomorrow...

"i shouldn't be in the scene."

grats.
put your nightmares aside
and hopefully he will wash them away soon.
it's a good time for you to become better.

my blessings.

when you feel lonely, don't ever think that you are different from the rest. you just don't understand yourself. and it's worse when there's people like me who are pure lazy to get that straight XD

still wondering what there is to buy later at orchard...a pair white jeans or pants is a must i guess...but i am worried all my 'weak points' will be exposed... XD

hm...perhaps i will update this post later at night.

广场旁边的烟囱烟雾弥漫你面容
我悄悄背颂你的温柔喝着加温后的啤酒
这样唯美的镜头是否只存在故事之中

http://sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=8579

basically the forum thread is talking about this chunk of comments from a china woman who is generalising asian men as if they are of the same breed. she 'briefly' describes herself as someone who is hot and smart. then she wishes to marry a rich western guy to enjoy life. then she starts talking about all only the good stuff about westerners and only the bad about the asians.

interesting article. i have also heard about asian guys complaining about the flaws of the asian ladies. but my question is: why are we complaining? does the woman think that after marrying a western guy she will stop complaining? if that's so, by all means. with this article being posted everywhere i doubt any asian guys would wanna date you too.

technically, just by reading through the thread briefly, i realised: who can prove everything she said is true? how about the photos? perhaps you sound too good to be true.

personally i can conclude: this is a typical scenario of someone imperfect asking for the perfect. i don't blame you for much because we are all greedy for the best when we don't revise on ourselves.

i am currently still in office...waiting for the damn AVG to slowly scan finish the labtop drives. was present for an informal presentation of a resource planning application, done by my another intern colleague. wah. i didn't expect that one presentation to teach me many things; as well as serving as a reminder of what i experience from microsoft's Imagine Cup. It's really hard sometimes to balance between the quality of the user interface and its functionalities for all of your superiors to be satisfied. Some are techincal some are more business-minded...oh well. perhaps i will soon face it too. quality vs. efficiency

feeling rather tired right now...i have actually been dozing off in the office lately...a sign that i am getting tired...but...so fast?! damn. i need something proper to motivate me. like...december! haha.

WAH!!! someone stop me from buying PS3!

To Miss IThoughtItIsOnceAndForAll:

Hi.

This is how awkward the atmosphere would be if i ever i see you again. Resorting to use such an familiar greeting to someone we thought we are so familiar with...so close with.

Wonder how's life for you lately. Oh you told me it was great. And you started telling me how guilty you still are after a year etc...

Then it was you who wanted me to tell you what i wanted to say. And now you are telling me i am the reason in your guilt.

Frankly speaking. When you told me about your guilt etc...all the remnant thoughts came back just like a stagnant sponge being squeezed out of a sudden...with all the water gushing out...and it just got me even more remorseful.

Now it's not just the remnant thoughts that matter. I still habitually board the MRT at the thrid door of the first cabin. I am 'addicted' to night life. I like to see dances (hoping that i can dance myself one day).

On the other hand, you can't blame me for everything. Like what you brought with you when you lied on my shoulder at the Cathay, I have brought what i am carrying now from that fateful bus 154 trip. We are just haunting ourselves with our own past. Pardon me if it seems that i got too 'affected' from the experience i had; i have to get myself on the extreme side in order to focus on the stuff i need to do.

No doubt you have affected me in certain ways...but definitely not the fact that i hide myself even more from relationships. It's not as if i did not try to get out of the shell...the fact is that i don't have enough money(or rather too stupid and stingy) to buy you a stalk of rose or...even that feather thing phone chain at Plaza Singapura. Moreover i just don't have the mindset and confidence i am really suitable for anyone. Who wants a guy who is unromantic, can't express himself properly even to girls, who can't understand himself, who doesn't know how to take care of himself properly (not to say for his girl), who can't console people well etc...?

Stop telling all the crap that you will feel better if you were to see me with a girl on the streets...the guilt you have towards me...etc. Fact is that we are actually near mirror images. But no matter what i know i shouldn't have dragged you along onto a trip that brings you nightmares now and then. Just with that it has already hurt me all along from then. Either live with the guilt or forget me. Please.

You are really a nice girl...just that you have not realised and have not grown up at then...i am really fortunate to have met you. You taught me some...but i learnt quite an amount from the experience i had with you. Still, i say...you should have and still deserve a 200% better guy than me. I really hope somehow...in some way and some time that you will drop the burden you carry now and go to somewhere higher. My blessings in advance.

I hope you can forgive what i brought upon on you. Nevermind if you can't forgive me. Neither i can do it on myself.

tonight i felt like writing two letters to two person. haha. creative idea huh?

To Mr Neutral:

It's been long since we contacted each other...i believe that both of us are on the same level of intelligence so i don't have to beat around the bush.

I was wondering whether you owe me an explanation or not. It was you who said you are the neutral line when all those crap started with Mr Childish. Maybe i might be wrong...but now to me you have chosen your side.

It was you who suggested to get together for the NS checkup...i waited till now i have heard no news from you personally.

Perhaps it's hard for people to be always neutral...perhaps when you are still an outsider you still can have that stand...but as you get further into the details...i guess your heart has already pointed to you which direction to take.

I wouldn't blame you for anything...instead i should thank you for helping us trying to solve the issue. Even though it never got better...plus as you pointed out i was at fault too...i can only say that i really hope to hear something proper from you. I rather have you saying out the reason (whatever it could be) than making yourself mute. I remembered telling you this before. Clearly.

F.I.R.- 我们的爱

回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时候的你说
要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头
从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起
我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再
不再哭泣
我们的爱
过了就不再回来
直到现在我还默默的等待
我们的爱我明白
以变成你的负担
只是永远
我都放不开
最后的温暖
你给的温暖
不要再问你是否爱我
现在我想要自由的天空
远离开这被捆绑的世界
不再寂寞

i always have the feeling that i am a bad friend. everywhere i go...just seems that i bring trouble along...i have no idea. perhaps i should just be alone sometimes. or i am at a different level from others. wierd huh? i am already sicked of working...haha.

i am strange. very strange.

my heart has all the wildness while my brain is always the one restraining my heart and clearing up the mess.

sounds stupid huh? perhaps that's what people say as "Geminis have split personality".

it's only rather sad that most of us have to do what we need to do, not what we want to do. but speaking of this, if i can choose what i want to do, what would i do? most probably i will eventually waste my life off. contradictions...

oh well. my principle is simple. life is about finding your value. the value comes with a purpose for life. i will find that purpose and fulfill it. i might choose to go beyond that purpose...but of course that will be very far off from now...

main point: never believe that the stage you are standing now is the best. life's about finding a bigger stage for youself.

i guess that's the main idea that keeps me not that easily distracted from other stuff bah...ironically my mind tends to be on the extreme to keep my stand firm and correct. wierd freak.

but just somehow...all the remnant thoughts...i wouldn't say they haunt me. perhaps i just don't know how to handle it yet. i once believed that in order to get rid of the old stuff get a new one. this is never correct. at least to me. somehow we are just reminding each other of the past. childish. i know it myself. it's now a battle of whether my heart or brain will take over one fine day.