another week of mental torture for me. failed for another two times. it's too surprising to be true. especially for the latest one...everything was fine till the point i stopped my vehicle in front of a controlled cross junction which has a area of slope. i was clear of that yes. in the driving centre itself there was no such problem when i moved off from the slope to perform the turn about. and yet. the moment that i rolled back on the public road will be something i will probably never forget.

and there was another moment that's still fresh in my mind till now. had my driving lesson (or rather remedial) from the mandai camp to yishun area for the first time. fine. not much of a problem for me. till that point where my heart stopped. just like that deja vu when i was hanging up before the drop in the G5 cabin back at taiwan.

it was in the yishun neighbourhood. i was driving at the fourth gear along the right lane of a two lane road...gonna make a right turn ahead. i noticed a crowded bus stop on my right. everything seems normal.

the next second a school kid dashed out to the front of my vehicle. yeah my heart stopped. my brain managed to send the last command to my leg to get to the foot brake before it went blank. at the same time my instructor pulled the hand brake. loud screeching noise. clear tyre tracks behind. engine stalled. but was luckily on time to avoid that son of a bitch from tasting my fender.

and yet he continued running across. and there was another car (which i barely noticed in amidst of all these) on my left which my instructor was worried for- should the driver not notice in time, that kid might have flew into the air for the last time. luckily for the kid again.

i took around 3 seconds to bring myself back to start the engine. no response from it for a few times. the crowd at the bus stop were looking. fine. at least they didn't see my legs getting jelly.

went out to orchard to meet darren up (surprisingly i still had the mood.) man saw this black leather jacket from river island with nice gold zips which are not properly aligned. $199. i would still have to pay $150 even with that pathetic $50 capitamall voucher.

too bad then. later saw the red jacket i was very interested in at vivocity zara. $49.90- but with no sizes i can properly fit in. another barren trip.

maybe things spiced up a bit when kim suddenly appeared in zara. ah so weijun wanted to pass her her birthday gift. later on the way back home weijun claimed that he's over with her...maybe i am too sensitive or the typical mando-pop songs are always about fallouts or breakups...but his selection of songs seem to speak otherwise. but the main part is that there was a guy following her after we parted (which i never noticed till darren told me.) oh god. tall. skinny. wears a ralph lauren polo. plays with his iphone quietly at a corner while we chatted for a bit. in zara men some more. darren said he's wooing her. but to me it sounds more like stalking her. but she's going to club afterwards. so...as compared to her rather chic outfit...ralph lauren polo, jeans and sneakers for club? maybe some people likes to have those...you know those sure get deals or something.

immediately i teased weijun about the cost of his outfit. darren said he's from the working class. which i realised...maybe most people would only consider going out with people of the similar social class. we are still poor kids after all. that's why i guess i am right...career is ultimately more important.

went to carnivore@vivocity for the second time- within a month. god it's $45++ per pax and their drinks are mainly priced at $8...and for both of the occasions i was giving treats- once for my mum's birthday and this time as a group giving treat to weijun's 22nd birthday. so hope that you can understand my pain in the pockets.

as for those who know i shouldn't have beef in the presence of my parents, the first trip was kind of wasted for me. maybe i am back to redeem for my "sins"...wahaha.

to all peeps, especially meat lovers, trust me. carnivore is a must go. the way they get the meats done is certainly the best i ever tried. i personally recommend the fish and lamb as a must try. service is great too. the dollars spent were worth the brazilian experience. well my weight shedding plans...at least was forgone for that buffet dinner.

so had lots of fun...lots of meat...and i certainly don't understand why i was more lively and cracked a lot of jokes. then we moved off to the chevrons for karaoke. more people joined- with a simple birthday cake to celebrate with.

ps: jun cheng wanna watch the expendables? haha.

any idiot who witnessed me failing the driving test for the fourth time would have thought that i am worse than themselves (even though there are still some peeps who hasn't drove out of the camp during tests.) i am really exhausted. mentally. not really about the lessons to make up for the next test but...the feeling of my friends who passed and left the camp for orientation in other vehicles...it really felt bad...in the quiet bunk...left with only a few more guys (whom some didn't really mind, surprisingly.)...and i am stuck in there because i am stuck with some mistakes only on the right turns. some more it's the same for all the previous three attempts. three times in row a leh!

went to the cathay to watch the last airbender with my camp mates. it's quite nicely done, with neat animations and stuff. just that the story's pace is kind of fast...even with the sequel to be expected (which i only realised towards the end of the movie.)

decided to go somewhere chill a bit with desserts before going home. but we got ourselves finding our dear friend's car through the floors of parking lots. god damn it i was kind impatient and pissed at some point of time. how can you as a driver forget where you parked? oh gosh.

finally found the car and moved to some dessert shop...before i got dropped off back at dhoby ghaut.

damn. was too tired to jog this morning.

this week is like a week of lows...and bland days.

flunked twice in the final driving test for the 3 tonner. morale down.

the rain killed my plans to jog in the morning. better still.

wanted to go out but...with the failed tests, i don't really have any mood left to do so. or perhaps it's because i am especially tired this weekend.

during the week i witnessed somebody from saying she's been crying for two days because of her boy lying (anyway the situation sounds stupid in my opinion) and wanna die to commenting that she's the happiest woman now. i couldn't just tell her to break up with him (even though it was a good chance to do so and it is still my stand) and yet i couldn't find anything to console her. well that's their domestic affair after all.

what else can i do during weekends besides waiting to book in again?

life is getting more and more lifeless...

driving course for five and half days every week. so it's just driving, tests, psp and newsweek catching up. yes i would love to drive next time...but driving everyday seems to become more and more of a chore. never mind i can still take that.

weekend wise i am getting more and more lazy i guess. perhaps the fact that i've only got around a day more before i book in again makes me feel damn dreaded moments before i depart for camp. and yet i am still assigned with chores at home by my mum. it's dumb to escape out to town just for this but more chores means lesser time...i need more time for myself.

had a gathering with the ns guys at holland village crystal jade for steamboat buffet. well frankly speaking it's just so so (and some even said the experience is good even though the area is cramped up, little selection of food choices etc.) but never mind. gathering mah.

initially they wanted to do it as a bbq. so i paid five dollars for the food and stuff mah...suddenly they had a change of plans...and without me knowing they used the five dollars to buy a birthday gift for a guy in my platoon instead...seriously. wtf should i say. i am someone who doesn't like unplanned stuff. and ironically it seems like everybody were informed beforehand. yeah i was informed eventually. right before i was my way home to come out for the dinner.

and it's like...out the blues we are celebrating birthdays...aiya! maybe it's because my 21st was a screw up. maybe it's because i am a miser.

fine. after that they wanted to watch a movie in town. initially they were saying inception (which i really catch it asap) but changed to "something else" (i should say anything else since they came unplanned, didn't check the timings and seatings while knowing it's saturday.) like what i feel for my poly classmates and since my good buddy left to meet his girl, i decided not to waste my time and left for home.

i realised...there's nothing else i can try about her. you can't beat some guy who can provide financial security. especially when you compare a poor ns guy against a guy in mid 20s who works overseas...you can roughly gauge the pay huh. he's just another tall skinny guy man...but why him?! maybe that's where the numbers (age, savings in bank) come in.

but i think the most important point is that we are already worlds apart from the start. financial status...the environment that we are in now (work compared to just ns.) please don't tell me that all these don't matter...yeah i know. i can climb up the social ladder but by the time i do so my guess is she's already cut the wedding cakes with that guy. drama is a depiction of life but never the other way round.

"you can be a hundred bucks poorer but you might be a hundred worlds away from those richer."

damn now i need to get down soon to help carry stuff for my father. so how can my life be?

i am starting to love driving. though for the start of the week i did get nervous driving the iveco 3 tonner for the first time, but eventually i got the hang of it. i have to especially mention this instructor by the name of gordon goh who took me for yesterday. since he's a old time driver during his ns days (driving the old mercedes tonner- which has its hand brakes at the right side and cranky gearbox...oh god. i am lucky.); he taught me a lot from a driver's point of view. he made me feel very relaxed throughout the whole trip and shared with me his experiences, own techniques and stories. damn nice guy. thank you again sir.

my friend asked to join another network marketing group. the more i look at it the more i feel that the products are just mere what you can see on the shelves. but again this spiked me to restart my thoughts on opening a blogshop. i currently have an idea though. but by looking at how the other shops are...they don't look promising to me. sounds bad. but that might also mean a chance for me. should keep this in view.

as i wish to but sometimes it's hard for me to open my mouth to get back the old debts from people. because they are not really like big amounts that can make me go broke...and they are close to me too. maybe it's just me who mixes personal and monetary issues together. like what the chinese say- "to talk about money means to harm a relationship."

it's still drizzling out there but a song struck me just now:

下雨天

下雨天了 怎么办 我好想你

我不敢打给你 我找不到原因

为什么失眠的声音 变得好熟悉

沉默的场景 做你的代替 陪我等雨停

期待让人越来越沉溺（疲惫）

谁和我一样 等不到他的谁

爱上你我总在学会 寂寞的滋味

一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪 一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜 怎样的我 能让你更想念

雨要多大 天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不出哪些差别

结局那还能多明显

别说你会难过 别说你想改变

被爱的人不用道歉

i am just afraid that i would be lying dead should you ever come back to me with a chance.

hectic week- been driving and driving. but good thing that i passed both the driving assessment and defensive riding test at one go- with the assessor's rover which has a way softer accelerator, clutch and steering wheel than what i normal drive with. and thanks to the clutch i got the engine stalled on the slope -.- but still, a pass is a pass.

and i am going to the public roads tomorrow! kind of excited yet cautious about the world outside. on the other hand the test on highway situations might kill my next saturday off. hopefully my luck works by then. am also thinking of getting myself registered for the civilian basic theory test once i get the military license- while the safeness in me is still fresh. haha.

went to friend's 21st birthday yesterday. people mentioned about why nothing was done on my birthday. hm. i gave a direct and truthful reply.i guess since it's over it doesn't matter if they know everything or not. the issue on just $50 worth of capital mall vouchers for the birthday girl is really...i am speechless.

alright if you can't think of anything decent- then vouchers are fine. but $50...what can you buy with it for your 21st birthday? but again. a trend shouldn't be a norm. maybe i should have kept quiet.

felt like messaging her. have never done so after i met her.

why doubt myself? unless there's something wrong about me now. which i've already got a hint. something very bad.

first of week of driving@kaki bukit.

the bunk at sembawang is still ok...only the neighbours and the regulars (specifically BOS duty personnels) that make the life either concerned and irritated at times. food is worse now too.

but besides that...it's quite hectic for this week. guess it's just the starters. highway code practiced (and practiced) and memorised, tested and passed within 5 days. and to think that they say it's harder than the basic/advanced theory test out there...thankfully i passed.

had a first try of the driving simulator at wednesday. damn cool! imagine the thing as a bigger sized simulator cabins that you see in arcades that comes with motion (and some more it's made by lockheed martin). wah. it's fun and quite realistic too.

next comes the actual driving. the instructor is kind with me and i guess i am slowly get the gist of manual cars...but of course the clutch is always a pain in the ass job. the rover jerks when i released the clutch too early.

i've got crazy bunk mates who are so nuts for world cup (the betting side.) 1 guy betted $2k (yes $2000.00) on a match- and lost.

guess jun cheng reminded me yesterday..."what's yours will be yours."

the odds are never that clear in my head. stable relationship. conservative mindset. aiya i am maybe trying to be a sore loser- i myself am not even earning from a proper job. and still wanna compete against some older guy nearing his thirties (soon i guess haha.) and having a stable job...who can attend to her anytime he wants (argh...life of a civilian...)

you get the idea? a guy in his late twenties...obviously wants a stable and lasting relationship. and normally they don't just any how pick a girl from the streets...they want to settle down sooner or later...and thing is she doesn't look like a player in this field...man.

but as long as my heart beats arh...the other side of me is telling me to fight...because i think she's worth a fight (at least for now...till i get to know her better...but god knows when will that be and what has happened by then...you know?)

why? she's still single mah. not that i will break them up (i am not that smart either for this kind of stuff) but just that i will be there once there's any chance. any chance.

moreover ever since after jo's case and sheryl (saw her yesterday at jurong point)...i don't wanna miss a chance if i am sure of it. no doubt i might bleed dry but...if i never try nothing will change. all that went through my head will either come true or demolished.

alright i know this is bad for a conclusion but...the worse thing is what if she's just plainly looking at me as a potential client? it's quite plain for me to see le lah...suddenly she contacts you...along the way leaks that now prudential is now pushing on saving plans/insurance and telling you that next time she can intro me to the plans and help her promote before she leaves...a long fish line bait for a big fish?

BUT THAT'S WHAT I HATE TO SEE! i don't wanna meet her as a potential client. and that's something i can change within a short time...especially after a long while of being a lost contact (i don't think she has a facebook account and it's been ages since she last went to msn.)

i let go of jo that easily. i regretted. i was too foolish for sheryl at that point of time. i regretted. how many more times am i gonna do that again?

i always believe destiny is a mixture of fate and human effort. maybe you might think that i am falling into the category of guys who won't feel shiok if the girl they are getting is not with challenges- but no. i just don't wanna miss another her.

my friend said about counting the number of lines on the side of your clenched fist- i got around three. fine with me. i don't have the habit of having flings and play around. or rather it's a standard excuse of someone who doesn't have the criteria of doing so. that's why i'll have to fight.

war is like men's favourite hobby isn't it? haha.

feel really glad that i managed to get out for lunch with jun cheng (really ps that i didn't bring the souvenir from taiwan for you leh...it's been so long le...)

had nice ramen for lunch at clarke quay central. luckily jun cheng felt it's not bad for his first try. i am just getting back to taste something i missed. his treat.

wanted to watch the movie a team at vivocity after that but there weren't much good timings nor seats (selling fast and it's a last minute decision.) man with toy story, a team and ip man coming up and unwatched...arh!!!

went to giant to get something before deciding to get back to jun cheng's house as he wanted to get something for me. wah. he got me a brown braun buffel leather wallet! picked by him- simple design, size comes good for my pocket and it comes with a coin compartment! lol (because my current one comes without a proper coin compartment.)

thanks leh bro. it's the most decent gift i got this year. you know what i mean.

went to play lan games for a while before going back home. damn it jun cheng's naruto is imba...lol.

just finished packing for tomorrow. still have dishes to wash later. feel quite dreaded to go driving though i am quite looking forward to learn driving someday...but the idea of you being scolded (and i actually mean vulgarities) by the instructor from the moment you board the vehicle till you alight might haunt me for a while later in the night.

thank you jun cheng again for the part from the msn chat. i should follow my instincts...and my feelings too. since it was what i felt that led me on when she said "yay i finally bought something!"

there's no second you. there's no second chance.

yesterday was...

went jogging at morning. was kind of late after chatting a bit of soccer with my father at 6am plus. but never mind.

went out with my mum and sis to the ica building to collect mum's passport. frankly speaking the whole thing ended very quickly. i didn't expect like twenty plus thirty people to be cleared that fast.

went to bugis to walk a bit before i leave them for ion orchard to meet her. shit i was late by a few minutes (first impression mah...) but she said a few minutes was fine. man supplementary idea one.

didn't really planned out where to eat the day before so we spent quite a while thinking of where to eat. in the end she suggested of a cozy japanese restaurant (forgot the name) that sells mainly on katsu don.

almost embarrassed myself when i was told that they don't accept nets. luckily my debit card saved me from the blushes. phew.

so we casually chatted over the meal for like...30 minutes? along the way more supplementray ideas.

she said that i am different.

then we went on a short shopping trip (which i didn't expect for...but also something i will never forget...at least for now.)

we went to far east. she claims to be a lazy person when it comes to dressing so she wants to focus on one piece dresses. truthfully i have to thank her for bringing me into those lady shops...for my sis nor my mum will ever want to enter (price sensitive consumers.) to it's quite an eye opener to be inside- i didn't know that the shops for females in far east are that good.

we went to quite a few shops and really saw quite a few nice dresses. i encouraged her to go try those she liked (her style is more of low profile and sweetie kind) and wah.

she said i am a good shopping buddy. maybe because i gave suggestions on how to dress up and accessorize (again she's lazy to accessorize.) she felt that i know a lot on these and she even asked me whether i am straight or not -.- oh gosh. lol.

but a thought struck me- i am just dressing her up for her boy. i knew it. i knew it at least a year ago. on that faithful IT show. and yet. she left me with the biggest impact yesterday. i know her intention wasn't just purely catching up. still...

mature. cheerful. thoughts on the same lines. bitter sweet.

she had an appointment to catch at 3 plus. and she left...and left me rooted for a while.

suddenly i felt like i am on a shopping spree. to distress? maybe. bought another pair of shoes and almost bought a 2 in 1 piece and a tee. rotted around before i went to chun leng's 21st chalet.

i am sorry chun leng...for i really had no mood to stay over night. and on kwan yong's 'secret' that he shared with me yesterday night...just like what tong jin said..."all of this is a joke."

hey isn't that the same as mine? all of this is just a like a joke. just like life.

initially i was alone in orchard yesterday morning. actually saw quite a bit of stuff that tempted me to buy- new look jacket, zara dress shoes, the idea book and some tops. but perhaps i was feeling damn sian, quite high prices and unwell so i didn't make the purchases.

in the afternoon darren and weijun came. we shopped a bit more (i bought a new look top- the only thing bought.) before we went over to the marina sands for a walk. they treated me to hokkaido@turf city for a dinner buffet before we went home. well i guess their intention wasn't to buy stuff but just treat me to a meal. so ok loh.

reached home to only find out that my father was displeased with me buying so many things (in a sense i have already bought quite a bit at taiwan.) but i realised i still got the appetite for local stuff. bad idea....

but on the overall this weekend doesn't feel like a birthday weekend. it only feels like a weekend of hectic, frustrating and sick weekend.

to my father, today is about getting up early and wanting me to pray according to his method before he goes to work. and look out for any 'abnormal signs' (it's just a bee.) and to get the water in the fish tank replaced asap.

well but thanks to facebook's birthday reminders i got a few post ups on my wall. thanks mark zuckerberg.

happy...birthday.

seems like it's gonna be the worst of all till now. intended to hold a small drink out session tomorrow but...

kwan yong held this event to celebrate everything- xiao hui and jasmine's birthday, first year graduation anniversary and for chun boon and me back from taiwan. not mine. it's at sunday because xiao hui can't make it at saturday. and both kwan yong and myself felt it's weird to meet up on both days...so i just cancelled mine. sounds stupid...maybe. then kwan yong tried to put it at saturday instead with his plans together. come on lah if you wanna celebrate do a proper one leh...use loads of excuses and combine here and there to let your vip xiao hui come (even when she has boyfriend le). i've enough of you le.

weijun suggested treating me to hokkaido tomorrow. and i bet he hasn't even done anything. asked where he intending to ask and his reply was to let me do the planning.

and they have been asking me what i want. it's all here lah. and all these only reflects on who's been here reading. but ironically that's what i wanted initially. so too bad. or rather...you cherish most the things you got by yourself.

ah forget it lah! screw it.

i'll just go on my own tomorrow bah. first to the movie lobby, then maybe a walk down to orchard then to IT show bah. case closed.

going for driving course the week after next. no more slacking. more shit to expect.

container's back. hell's back.

alright i got back here like...at 31st may 4.30am? was quite tired the past few days (resting, went out, catching up) and thus got lazy to blog...lots of stuff to say.

the trip to taiwan...well the first part (i can't say much though) i should say i am lucky to not go out and just help out with the container, wooden crates (many and heavy) and the equipment. i salute to those who were stuck in the area for four whole days doing nothing under the bloody hot sun before pushing out.

blink blink and the first event was over. i guess we were quite efficient with the packing up (yeah leave the hell of unpacking back at singapore) and thus we were left with around two days plus. on the first night there was the happy hour thing where we got to eat and drink (taiwanese beer!) to kind of celebrate.

the second night was nights out for us. i felt it was not worthy and didn't go (hundred plus near two for transportation and you only have at most 3 hours of movement within a small town that we have no info of where to go.)

the third day was a trip one of the amusement parks. initially i didn't want to go (i was determined to save up for the R&R @ kaoshiung and the entrance fee itself is already NT450...SGD20 plus) but my friend upon seeing that i seem to missing out all the fun decided to help me pay the transportation fee without my permission while i was away. at first i felt that i was in a dilemma- i have no intention to go yet i have to pay for it as it was already fixed before i knew it. so too bad loh.

so the next day we reached the park- and guess what? the first ride was their main attraction of the park- the G5.

my friends all started to get all excited and want to have that ride first. oh my god...i shouldn't be here and now i am still pulled along by them to take this ride; just like what i mentioned after the ride, "i haven't taken a roller coaster for ten plus years and now i took this!"

maybe when you are with your ns friends your ego will fan your guts to bet bigger. so alright i took it.

seated on the second row of the two row open cabin, i was still not feeling anything- until it starting moving.

a short straight before the climb over (p.s. the ride is built on a hill slope so we were already on some height) and soon enough it halts right in front of the drop point.

i remember i was shouting while my grip on the bar got tightened. oh wait...it started dropping!

that moment was still in my head- my body was in a near L shape, eyes looking down the height we were gonna dive through within two seconds or so. yeah i was still shouting; only till the drop. so there it goes: down a vertical track on very high speeds for about two seconds before it climbs up and back to the starting point. a short ride to hell and out.

my legs...i admit they were a bit jelly after the ride. but from then i was already sure that the trip was worth it. other rides were still ok- except one that goes swinging 360 degrees. again i went up unknowingly- to almost get a good whoop from it. the starting was fine till the g force started to get stronger and stronger. man i was about to puke. luckily the ride finished shortly after that and i got to recover- too bad for the lady beside my friend though; she started puking shortly before the ride ended. lucky that we didn't get a share of her processed breakfast too.

next day was finally our R&R. was already a bit sian because of the fact that we moved out to kaoshiung on the morning itself, not the night before or whatsoever. never mind. we reached the hotel at around 12 plus to find out that the hotel rooms are not done yet. damn it in the end we can only walk around the streets, have lunch and gather back at 3.30pm to check in.

on the overall the trip was still ok...the mrt station was surprisingly near to us...and the whole of it is in underground. we even got to notice a pretty girl for almost every mrt trip. haha. kaoshiung is not really a place for a feast of eyes but it's still better than nothing.

shopped some shopping districts and the night market. man the stuff they sell are of quality (in terms of fabric and design). price wise is still competitive or even lower than that of singapore's. no wonder i felt like puking when i walked around orchard yesterday. food wise- no need to say. their famous chicken cutlets, papaya milk shake and so many more...man i was informed that i still missed out their buffets and steaks.

so in the end besides the souvenirs i got, i bought for myself 3 tees, 1 formal shorts and 1 vest. the vest is really a buy- it's only about SGD20-30. but the disappointing part was that their tops didn't fascinate me (and that was what i wanted to go for). another thing was that i couldn't find nice dress shoes. lastly i feel kind of wasted not to buy that braun buffel leather wallet which costs just SGD98 when you can only get it at here for like...at least SGD120 perhaps?

oh ya a note about the hotel we stayed in. it's just like a blardy hotel for whores! i remember the auntie who asked us whether we need massage or not just after we went in to the room. we both looked at her and she still replied "of course it's not me who do the massage lah!" oh man. haha. the counter at our floor even has durex condoms too.

and my friend even purposely found the channel 15 which even broadcasts *clears my throat* from the hotel's own hard disk drive all day long.

so the short trip ended with us touching down on changi airport (my ears hurt all the way from KL to singapore). back to the boring life we used to have.

now the taiwan craze is spreading. everybody wants to get to taiwan. i also do feel that i didn't have enough fun and purchases back then. haha. but as to who i will go...must see the crowd first.

yesterday i suddenly received a call from xue wei. she sounds like she's having a good time in prudential and she wants to meet me up for a meal and catchup. hm...

what should i tell kwan yong & co to buy for my birthday? should i just let them buy anything and let it dust in my house? or just get anything i want? but what? shades? wallet? dress shoes? sighs. getting something proper for yourself can be hard at times too.

ironman 2- nice effects but...that's it.

kick ass- didn't regret watching it before i fly.worth it.and just like watchmen.in a more relaxed and shallow manner.

ip man 2- action packed.fast punches.storyline is average. humorous.best!haha.

packing is still undone.no mood to do so.can't get into the mood that i am flying to taiwan.

"let's buy a chance.maybe with that you wouldn't feel that the previous one is wasted away."

ah!!!it's the month of deficit!man i have used all the pay i got for this month...how?!looks like i gotta cut down when i am back...but...how about the 12th?am i gonna follow what the rest of them had done- a treat for them?chun leng suggested to have a night out on that day.but...aiya.

recalled of a crazy idea i had quite long on what should i do on that day- go old folk's home! or actually any home will do. (... ... ...you will think "HUH?!WTF?!", right?)

know what?i remembered at that point of time i thought that since i doubt i can do much to make myself happier (since it's 21st), why not make others happier?though it's only for a short while...

saw an article saying that the actual person the urban peeps don't cherish is actually themselves.point taken.agreed.

i also thought spending the day alone.then celebrate with the rest at another day.but weijun said it's selfish.

i have 0% of feeling ready to go to taiwan. luggage wise and deep inside.

did my heart want to take revenge just like husei hai in hi my sweetheart?but no worries.i got lost halfway.i guess i've never really got the lesson.

i think i am like an onion.nobody bothers to take a look at me.and should a silly girl ever gets curious (again) and starts wanting to know what's in the bud- every layer of me will get her into tears.some might give up halfway.and for those who ever got into the bud...all they saw was just a bud.nothing else.

"guess what?one of my regrets is not to step onto that ddr machine and just dance like a clown."

WARNING- hokkaido@turf city really serves good food!jun cheng and i went there to have the ala-carte dinner buffet.

watching hi my sweetheart recently.the main guy is always rich.good looking (show luo mah.) and romantic- perfect isn't it?

fairy tales also end with "and they live happily ever after." but how do they achieve it?what's after the story?it's always the prince who can earn this ending.maybe the word 'happily' is something very general or shallow to describe it.

i guess no matter how much i dress up or even impress the whole downtown...

it's only skin.

maybe a good lover starts from a good family.

"aiya sk take a look at yourself before other things..."

i say what you see is what you get.

i don't blame anyone for this comment. i can see it for myself. the couples on the street...makes you think that the guys up the skies are fair? a face for a face perhaps? haha.

they say i am too serious. i say my face is born dead and my brain is made of wood. hm? tin woodman? haha.

so i got a peek of my past...wait. where did they go?! then i realised that they were all in their own future...sometimes it feels like eventually i will be alone. but so fast? where's the problem? which part of me?

got a nice pair of dress shoes from JB recently. was very lucky to have my officer approve my overseas leave. still feels that it's stupid to disallow people under uip to go overseas (by right).

been playing quite a bit of soccer in camp...but i ponder whether i should continue playing or not...especially when your team mates just play for fun.

maybe i should increase the laps i do for jogs at saturdays. last bit of belly fats need to go! and more muscle toning! but size wise...maybe bigger upper arms? but on the other hand i might risk becoming too tight for some of my shirts. (which 1 already is on the verge of becoming so)

going to taiwan for exercise real soon. any orders for anything at taiwan?

still a little impatient to start some small little business. what a good time for me to do so peeps, isn't it?

feels wasted on a shirt seen at bugis just now. if not for the quality of the fabric...

been lazy to post something for the past weeks...partly being lazy and moreover there's nothing much interesting for me to write on.

the weekdays in the camp got us very busy- helping the rest with all the moving of crates to pack up for shipment. more to come next week.

good news- i am going to taiwan! and the R&R (Relax & Recreational) is free and easy!

bad news- the R&R is only 2 days 1 night. and it's only at kaohsiung...man. a bit demoralised by this.

up till now some of my platoon guys have been assigned to various detachments for the exercise...not me though. *crosses fingers*

went out with darren just now to various places. weijun was supposed to come along but thanks to his over night mahjong session yesterday night he overslept and never got out.

went to smu first to hand up my application documents. then to kinokuniya to get a book of star wars for some kid. my mother sounds kind of reluctant when i finally found a suitable book that the kid will like but with the price of 40 plus dollars. and i felt very tempted to buy another book on innovation...since i have finished my googled. then window shopped (bought a pair of bermudas) around before settling down for dinner at serizaya@ liang court (as usual the nice food...only at 17 dollars!).

so many stuff to buy! endure...must endure till the taiwan trip...or maybe i can get more next friday when i go to malaysia to shop?

just to share with this upcoming adobe photoshop cs5...damn it's really good with its content aware feature. watch it to find out:

well this week...i guess i experienced quite a change of culture when the guys from the trunk comm company finally take us over.

some old birds say this batch of officers and sergeants tend to be more lax on 'dogs' like us...which we didn't believe them at first. and suddenly i felt more like i have already gone through uip...almost anything is possible now...like getting stuff from vending machines, locker layout (in terms of item quantity) for stand by bed not as strict as before, able to bring in mp3 players etc (we even got macdonald delivery at thursday night).

now i am starting to like uip. while the transferred guys over at command comm company might feel even better with their routines, we do not have much to complain about too. now how i wish that this could drag (quite possibly true as people are all busy with exercises) as long as possible...

oh ya. 1 thing is that it seems certain that i will go taiwan at may (unless unforeseen circumstances occur). second is that after the trip we might be posted to driving camp for training...sounds good to me.

anyway there's this guy whom we teased him throughout the week as his admirer (for 3 years leh) flew to australia for studies. as he couldn't send her off personally (he was in camp), he also couldn't gather his courage to confess to her throughout these 3 years. i was also in the 'fun'...poking at him whenever possible. but i felt a little bad as what he is experiencing is just like mine (yes, nicole?).

but on the other hand i was thinking- wouldn't one get more confident to confess should he spend more time to know her and make sure that she's really his cup of tea? or maybe i am too much of a noob ass to make a statement like this.

as there's more time to sit around and rest, i walked into my thoughts again. then i felt that maybe many things could have changed should sheryl be in a different pair of arms...we knew it could be positive for us at some point of time...and it's not like a day or two kind of feeling ( i spent quite a bit of time at poly year 1 to know her better...until she chose another guy -.-). jo might not walked into my eyes...and we could have lasted till now.

i guess i have to pour this out here...as this is one of my regrets till now (3 in total and counting).

i remember we (ashley, lucinda and me) talked about when will we plan to marry in the future at ashley's house. without thinking much i replied 30 plus. while they felt it's kind of late (i naively thought of it as 27-28 previously), i thought with my social circle (guys and more guys) now and my age when i start working (at least 24- true young enough but i will focus on paying back my loan and my career/entrepreneurship first. so money and time all tied up.)...and of course with the fact that i am another noob in the field...well.

i said, "bread first then love mah." at that night. sounds like a hardcore right winger? nah. humans are impressions-based creatures. i don't have something that allows me to do the reverse.

speaking of which i felt disgusted of the stomp series on what attracts guys/girls on the opposite gender. the guys interviewed mainly agreed that the figures of a woman will attract them first. how true. how ugly.

i simply reviewed on myself...i guess partly due to my family background (in which we don't really share with each other how we feel as openly), i feel i need more like a soul mate whom i can confide in...somebody who is more intellectual, independent and has the charm to knock me down and of course caring and understanding. superficial factors wise...perhaps a killer smile too? have a build and height similar to mine? ya that's about all. bonuses wise...then maybe killer legs. oh ya similar fashion sense (or something close to metropolitan).

yeah i said "aiya it's my self esteem that's killing me." i am just being arrogant and be more rational to blind my heart.

some pictures i found over the net. beware apple fans.

oh ya...should i apply for public universities again? because my mind was set on taking private degrees...and now upon closer look, the degrees provided by kaplan...well the partner universities are relatively unknown as compared to those from sim...how how how?

oh ya before i start busying back to the dog camp...

farewell my dear friend ashley!

it feels too soon for you to go back. but oh well...

either way, have a smooth trip back and i hope while you start leading a more care-free life without the burden of your society commitments, you must also work on hard on your studies leh...

all the best.

i would say it's quite a weird timing for me to post something here now. supposed to be at outside but was called off at the last minute. so i guess it's gonna be a stagnant weekend at home before i go back to hell. or maybe i should just find something else to do besides rotting outside.

went to jurong camp at wednesday morning for report. had no idea at all of what was gonna happen to me. everything gets worse. out of proportion standardisation, regimentation and so many crap are gonna to be thrown at my face during our unit induction programme (uip). basically due to the culture of the camp, imagine the months ahead of me to be a tekan session.

first day of uip- setting up of our bunk. we had to do everything ourselves- moving cupboards, bed frames and cleaning the room within a short time. well since it's meant to be a tekan session we got ourselves awarded with 50 push ups and 100 crunches just for stand by area. needless for me to say the stuff for the rest of the day i guess.

standardisation...yes. everything must be consistent for us- from the quantity of of our hangers hanging in our cupboards to the brand of our toothpastes in our field pack. logical? for those who are thinking at this point of time, i guess you need more cow sense.

three days were enough for us. i wonder how am i gonna take it just for the week ahead. the feeling to down my pes status is so strong in my mind. but on the other hand it will also mean i will part with my friends who came along with me from stagmont camp. what complexity.

so after getting out from the camp yesterday i got to home dry despite the heavy rain (a big thanks to wei keong's parents who offered me the trip back home). got back, unpacked my stuff and went over to ashley's house for dinner. lucinda (my secondary classmate) came shortly and we had a fair bit of chat over at the dining table.

then we moved up to her room to continue till around...1.30am? well time really flies and she's gonna go back at monday night. at the best to you ashley...tahan a bit more and you will be graduating with a degree cert leh...while i am still wasting my time off in our 'decisive' force.

slept at 2am. and was able to wake up at 7am...surprisingly. kind of pushed myself to go jogging as planned. and now here i am staying at home doing nothing much...sighs. everything's stuck.

didn't really feel like posting...because soon i will rest, wake up and report to jurong camp. maybe it should spell like hell too.

supposedly to go malaysia with my parents to visit my relatives yesterday...in the end we decided to play safe due to the fact that nobody from the camps are informed. so i was home alone for a day or so.

should say it's dumb for me not to inform the rest that my house is empty for last night. so after paying a visit to ashley's house i rushed off to town for a last minute arrangement with darren and weijun for movie. well thanks to my last minute we can't really get tickets with suitable time slots for 14 blades nor little big soldier (there was a slot for little big soldier but the only available seats left were 2 rows away from the screen -.-)

so in the end we went to ashton @ cathay for late dinner. darren and i talked mainly on the business and stuff (sadly what darren said about the local IT industry is true) while weijun mainly shared his experience when he was at taiwan.

when we finished our dinner i suddenly had the urge to go to the sofa seats at the cathay movie lobby. the building beside cathay (think it's an art school) is so tall now...and i kept staring at smu- one of the dreams i thought i can achieve 3 years back while seated at the same spot.

well at that point of time nobody told me i can lose 2 dreams at once. but the aftertaste has long gone away from my throat.

maybe all these that i've brought upon myself is gonna spur me to just focus on my career.

maybe i should say thanks to hello kitty and ah meng.

p.s.- get well soon for ashley's dad.

2 months flew just like that...time in the signal institute is especially fast. so now i will have to move on to my new unit (even though i know i will miss some of my bunk mates- especially edmund foo aka werewolf/slut. haha.)

good news- i didn't report to the camp at friday (we got posted out at thursday)...so we will go there at wednesday morning. oh ya and some how i received the best detachment award. -.-

bad news- i got posted to 3rd battalion! man...god knows what will happen to me at there...

so today i went to watch true legend with weijun and yonghui...was almost late for the show thanks to me...haha. anyway the movie...if i am lenient i should say it's still ok bah...but i would prefer to re-watch ip man again.

got back home a while before i set off to clementi to meet jun cheng up for dinner. usual stuff to chat about...getting more and more confident bah i would say...as ideas are starting to solidify.

damn the distributor company for my newsweek subscription. nothing has been done till now on my additional subscription to forbes asia. don't force me to complain to case.

well quite a number of things happened last sunday. you got a poly classmate whose birthday is around now and yet she 'purposely' places her party celebration at 13th feb and wishes us to go...as usual the problems between chun boon and qin yi and us can't taking it further...kwan yong and derrick's birthday gift/braun buffel wallets (which quite turns me off on what i can expect from them for my birthday, judging from what was bought.)

then this week is kind of unlucky for my entire platoon. got punishments here and there- nights out turned into stand by bed...defaulters parade yesterday after quite a long while of detachment exercise (but somehow we managed to escape and got it scheduled at next friday instead...better than nothing la huh).

next week wise it's gonna be quite tough. monday till end of tuesday is our summary exercise...kind of nervous after seeing how badly we did on the overall to get our link up. straight after that are radio tests for theory and practical and then the 16km route march at wednesday. so thursday we will finally attend the pass out ceremony to get our vocation badge...

which makes me feel confused...for the last week we shall spend in signal institute (the week after next)- the lesson schedule are all computer lab lessons. if that's so why make the exercises, tests and route march so packed up?

oh well. no matter what we can only suck it up and follow.

gonna go for kwan yong's 21st birthday @kallng leisure park kbox later (of course after going to other places to shop first haha). just got message from that the ice skating will be cancelled and stuff...sighs. on one hand perhaps the number of people going is really low...but maybe he still hasn't got over xiao hui too. i understand.

was talking to ashley at last sunday in camp. suddenly she talked about going to taiwan together with her cliq towards the end of the year...sounds good...but i also realised something...well. it's either by then i can break the barrier or the trip turns bad for me or i will choose not to go. sorry ashley if i were to do the later...

i only told others that it's ironic that you can see clearer the person you admire when he/she is with somebody else. but this time...somehow i felt that i shouldn't have done that. or i guess i was too late.

boring week (but lap top is finally back!). tests...SI evening (which turned out to be very disappointing- be it our cheer performance or the stuff from musical and drama company) and of course lessons and more lessons. and next week will be even tougher- setting up drills and exercise at friday...oh no. just thinking of it makes me feel down.

thanks to my sergeant i managed to escape from the camp at 7pm as he likes to make us pissed off during area inspection. i certainly hope jun cheng didn't wait too long for me at clementi.

reached there and had a kfc meal (where my sense of rubbish was suddenly revived...perhaps it's too long since i last met him...but it doesn't make sense, right? haha.) while we chatted quite a bit. but it was mainly on our 'big plan'...haha. while i don't really have much confidence whether this plan will work or not...but i am quite sure the concept is new...and should i research more and develop it on i am quite confident it can be quite a big hit.

went across the causeway yesterday. reached there at around 11 plus and my mother and i started to shop around in city square. chanced upon a nice pair of 'fred perry' shoes @109rm. tempted but i wanted to look around for more options (which in the end that's the only shop that sells it). we dragged the timing for lunch; since i don't really feel hunger when i shop. and guess what? when we finally wanna settle down at kenny roger's, the waiter said they will be closed at 1pm. my mother went around asking...damn it. the whole damn mall is closing down at 1pm due to the passing away of their dear sultan. so both of us hurriedly down to the new year cookies/pastries stalls @ 1st floor and got some stuff.

so in the end it totally spoil my mood for the whole day. god damn it.

(thanks jun cheng for offering to buy that pair of shoes for me but i have not even tried on it yet...and i feel better if i were to really confirm on buying on the spot.)

going out later to get kwan yong's 21st birthday gift @ marina square. while i have already missed out some movies (i do not have to be sad though...haha.), i certainly don't wanna miss another- daybreakers. hopefully i can watch it next weekend. but first thing first. i first pray that it doesn't drag later. for those who know the pattern of my poly classmates...you all get what i mean.

if you guys feel that the time i posted is weird...yes it is. haha. but if my lap top were not to spoil (70% of my lap top screen is blanked out), i wouldn't have to do this...more or less. but somehow i have free time now...thanks to my favourite sergeant in SI. haha.

almost had fever at friday. i was already unwell the day after i finalised the drinking session at clarke quay. luckily the panadol helped me next day (though i was still a little not well when i stepped out of my house)

saturday was kind of a failure...to me bah. plan was to drink overnight...but i guess the fact that we (or i) kept changing spots to hang out did spoil some of the guys' moods. sorry about that! this was done hastily- was thinking of getting guys out before weijun goes to taiwan for ops (didn't know it is gonna be at this saturday initially) but was "brought forward" as kwan yong will be busy for the next few weekends (including the week for his birthday).

darren and i went to orchard first in search for my new leather bag....to no avail. weijun finally gave me some positive response to join us later as he just got back from his operation grandstand 2.

went to liang court to have dinner at serizaya (recommended by darren). man to anybody who sees this post...serizaya is a must try! the food is cheap and seriously good...these are what i ordered:

mushroom soup
escargot (yes it's escargot) with garlic butter sauce
meat sauce baked rice (or something like doria meat sauce)
drink bar (in other words free flow of drinks)

all of the food are served sizzling hot and fresh...it was especially obvious as we ordered mostly dishes that comes with cheese (eg. baked rice). the prices are god damn low too...my main dish (baked rice) costed me only 4 plus dollars!

even though both of us paid for around 19 dollars each (the guys were smart with the setup of menu as each item are too cheap that you wouldn't know that you are paying around the same as any typical restaurant) but i must really say that the food is really worth it. must try!

went to timbre to recce. the queue was short but i personally felt a problem where we can only just eat, drink and chat till a certain point of time where we will have nothing to do. darren then suggested safra gamehaven. sounds good to me at that point of time. then we went over to have a look around (never been inside before). basically there's lan gaming, private rooms (which is kind of popular yet with crap counter service and very limited console games) in which there's 1 console, 1 pc and tv with sofa. besides that there's a bar, a restaurant and a pub.

in the end we gathered with the rest of the guys (weijun, kwan yong, chun leng, bowen, quan yi) at gamehaven and have a try at the private rooms. damn...in the end due to quite a number of circumstances (with the fact we came without reservations) we could only book the room with wii console at 1am.

next we went up to the pub at the 6th floor. the ambiance is still ok...just a pity that the crowd seems little (or maybe we were too early when we arrived- around 9 plus near 10?). had a bottle of heineken and a round of pool before some of them suggested to go have a bite or something.

in the end we went over to hooters (and it seems along the way the plan to get the reserved room was called off) and had more drinking (which i didn't; i had the feeling to puke just after a small bottle of heine- very weak.) and side dishes. fried chicken wings were nice and the atmosphere (not thinking that the waitresses are all foreign talents) was great.

people started leaving after some of them felt tired...so some took cab...some buses. hopefully like what quan yi said, "let's have it next time" and "next time plan properly".

another week in stagmont. didn't sleep well for the past week. no idea why but i kept turning in late and waking up once or twice at the middle of the night.

now to think properly as a trunk comms guy there's quite a high risk involved whenever we were to get the detachment deployed. moments like setting up the antenna (12-15m high), strong currents running in the antennas during transmissions...well. things might change in one fine moment.

plus the radiation from the antennas...well my sergeant told me about this fable that signallers generally get daughters...but i was more of curious on cancer. some cold joke for me.

basically my course mates...made me think whether the fact that i couldn't make it into sispec a regret for me or not...i was right you see. the human factor can affect a person a lot. no that i look down on anyone over there but...they somehow are not very near to those kind of people i wanna look forward to meet. pardon me for being a realist but...ns is really a good time to build up your network. so i certainly hope i have not lost this chance.

this was this indian sergeant who spent the free time in his lesson we had talking about lots of stuff...from his investments to the major events in the future that can affect us...and he reminded me about the possibility of doing some small business through blogspots...hm.

and now...i am on the verge of falling sick...especially when i have organised an overnight drinking session with my poly people...damn. plus for next week i am gonna to have tests and exercise. oh man.

oh ya.

going back to camp soon...went out with weijun yesterday to rot...but realised i need to buy something today. things like meal bags...a new bag (preferably brown leather bag)...and perhaps a new pair of hook-on ear phones.

buying stuff for myself seems to be a growing habit. so are my bad spending habits. oh man. i am starting to feel that me going in this direction- it's gonna be bad. maybe.

looks good...but i doubt i will ever go.

imaginations fly away from me...ideas...ideas they are just ideas.

second week in stagmont. had kind of an unique experience doing guard duty for the last day of 2009. volunteered to do it with my bunk mate; feeling that we can be more or less excluded from the future guard duties. i personally thought that there's nothing much for me to do during the countdown period too...so why not?

but in the end my bunk mate had to be swooped to another guy at the last minute. luckily he happens to be from quebec company in tekong and we hit it off quickly. everything was faster than i thought (the guard duty slot we did was a shift shorter- which means six hours shorter than usual)...except the part on the turnout/stand to which i quite dreaded (a slack one at 4.45am though; guess it's might be because it's the last day of the year...).

but just like what kwan yong said...for my poly side of people most of them are busy with their own stuff (more in a sense their other half lah huh) and there we are doing crap. year after year...same old year.

1st week in SI (signal institute). omg...just like what some netizens and my bunk mates say...it's SLACKMONT CAMP. just imagine a whole ippt training program cancelled just because of some drizzles... -.-

realised that i was posted to trunks comm instead of the initially stated (and interpretted) combat signaller...lucky me. though it is still not as good as those from IS but i guess i should be thankful enough.

the first few days were the hardest to pass...lessons and lessons that made me sleep and sleep. but we are even more lucky as we booked out early this week (thursday) and the same for next week. shiok.

but i volunteered for guard duty at the 31st of december...maybe my friend is right that we got nothing much to lose...with details which i am lazy to elaborate here. so i am gonna be in stagmont for the crossover...

went to a x'mas party at toa payoh at thursday night. almost embarassed myself by going there empty handed (there was supposedly a gift exchange). surprisingly quite a crowd there...heard that some of them are from my friend's singing/dancing classes. saw one girl who gave me a better impression (and kwan yong will start talking about xiao hui if he sees this)...but she's as usual attached (sighs).

ate some drank some and played a little before we had the gift exchange. kind of disorganised but we still manage to get ourselves packing off to catch the last mrt rides.

went to quan yi's house for steamboat yesterday. some small stuff pissed me off from the start...but it's long over now. so we bought some stuff for the steamboat at vivocity before taking cab.

had a short mahjong session (surprised that my luck is still ok) and watched quite an amount of dvds before we started the steamboat proper. quan yi's mum is very generous with the soup's content as she put in dried scallops (those bigger ones) and some ribs.

chun boon and i started to converse more...guess it's good...only thing is that it took us so long. oh ya and that's how i end my x'mas. well.

oh ya. some national service pranks and nice china man animations.

well the blocked leave burns like fire. tomorrow i have to report to stagmont camp. oh yes i am posted to signals institute. hopefully not as combat signaller.

of course there might be worse postings (e.g. field engineer) but i still dread the feeling of going back to serve. perhaps i have too easily slipped back into civilian life.

didn't do much these few days besides going out with friends for a movie etc.

well everything has a reason but i feel as if i am going through a period of time where i mainly do things i am forced to...so 'small' little happenings can be like a punch to my face- though it has not knocked me down...yet.

there's always a reason behind the situation. and i guess from there i realised it's not compulsory...perhaps not needed at all.

what's 'better' than rotting around in home for your blocked leave?

didn't do much interesting for the week...and yet didn't give myself much time to rest too.

wanted to go gym this monday...but the platoon mate i sms-ed to didn't reply to me at all...tried to ask him through msn just now about the message- but to no avail. perhaps i am taking too much from this incident but i am raising questions about him.

was also waiting for chances of having street soccer with some of my platoon mates yesterday. again the sms i sent got me no response. hm...maybe there might be a problem with my mobile service or my phone. i shall see how it goes (but it doesn't seem to be the case as i tried sending one to my mother's mobile).

went out with darren to town just now. oh gosh that springfield jacket is still tempting me from afar...and i wanna get the onto headphones! all these will make me eat way into my already tight allowance for this month...sighs.

will get my posting tomorrow. starting to get nervous after a call from weijun just now. hopefully i don't get into 1st guards...and command school too? keeping my fingers crossed...

The faces all around me they don’t smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for
What are we saving for

There’s a smell of stale fear that’s reeking from our skins.
The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins
We sit and grow our roots through the floor
But what are we waiting for?
What are we saving for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Somethings always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for
What are we saving for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I’ve become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

Oh

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

The Bravery- Believe

POP loh!

though up till now i still don't feel upbeat with the fact that i have graduated from tekong but either way at least a stage is completed in my ns life.

the last two days before we had the graduation march are...all about slacking...doing administration stuff and clearing/cleaning of our bunks. oh ya. i got prank on the night before the march...got toothpaste around some parts of my body...but i feel lucky as compared to those who got toothpaste on their armpits (only for those who put their arms behind their heads while sleeping) or toothpaste on their slippers. imagine the feeling they got when they stepped onto their slipper full of toothpaste when they just woke up. the other case had the victim's spectacle lenses in toothpaste too.

the march...frankly speaking i don't really feel tired; with the exception of the period while we marched for the 16km to 20km section (mainly due to the rocky and steep terrain). perhaps it's the effect of knowing that we will pass out after this (which i don't feel so) that pushed many of us onward. but of course there's people who fall out because of small little problems (a.k.a. chao geng) and people who are forced to fall out due to heat exhaustion at the 20th km point. feeling sad for them or not, it seems like they will have to re-do it at this coming saturday.

as the parade goes on i finally felt that it really marks the end of my basic military training...no longer a recruit...

very happy that my father came to attend and put on the jockey cap for me. the surprise package was from the appearance of my mother- who couldn't make it at the start. but i am sorry for giving her an elbow strike while i was trying to put my arms over her for the photo shoot. haha.

my legs finally felt the ache when i stood almost all the way during the mrt trip. after alighting i still had to walk back to my home...especially with the field pack full of stuff.

hopefully with this 'long' blocked leave i can catch up with as many people as possible. and perhaps some rest.

gonna pass out next wednesday. but didn't feel as anxious as before. during the week the parade rehearsals and hectic schedules wore me out. and the weekend...i didn't give myself much time to rest too. in fact the weekend is more like a depressing one.

the oc's evening (we renamed it as commander's evening because our oc didn't attend...ironically) was full of fun and laughter. but there was this moment where i agreed with the host that we should be sad that we will be the last batch of recruits who are called yankee...because there will be something like yankee 2 after us...what kind of lame naming is that.

can't even run properly in the park this morning. i guess my mind wasn't set on that.

i guess i am feeling down not because something happened not to my liking...it's more like something (not to my liking) happened even before i try to do something about it.

perhaps things would be different should i have tried.

but i doubt i can do much either...especially when you have nothing to play onto the table. yet i don't wanna say pass that easily.

it is really funny when you keep doing something -even when you know you will hit straight onto the wall. the pain is always so similar...so familiar.

it's a god damn lucky week for me- booked out at wednesday night, no remedial training and booking in at sunday evening.

but the 16km route march at wednesday was kind of tough. thanks to the inclusion of the other companies we were going at a slower speed...but during the last 4km segment we were only marching as a company itself so the commanders got back to the yankee speed that we are most familiar with...and the speed we most dreaded of.

towards the last 2km or so i volunteered 2 of my buddies to cling their hands onto my field pack; hoping that they will carry on and not give up at the very last part of the march. somehow with them at my backs i felt better- perhaps they motivated me to pull through the march too.

got a new phone and sim card before i went out with ashley to sitex at expo. feel that the show got more boring than the previous show. so as a customer (after so long as a promoter) i was really curious why were there so many people at the show.

in no mood to start doing my peer appraisal which is due next week. i just don't feel like doing anything much now.

maybe it is part of the big prank.

it's the first time i felt so lazy to post anything here during the past one month or so. many things happened along the way...but the main thing is i am gonna pass out soon!

let's start from field camp. i would say it's the toughest period for me in the entire bmt phase. field disciplines have to be kept at all times and it was really a big change of environment for me. so much so that i start to loathe outfield now. in times of shit i also came to see the real faces of people (i think so); especially those from my section. while i feel disappointed to see some really shrink away from extra work, there were also guys who are always there to help others out.

i would really like to thank all those who encouraged me with their letters- my family, jun cheng and miss cheng. was very surprised that i could receive not one but three letters. at that point of time even though i never had the thought of defending my country before but at least i feel i should persevere to protect those i value and cherish.

the week after that was mainly on our live range. another tough experience for me. thanks to our oc who wants as many marksmen as possible, i had to re-shoot and re-shoot even though i have already passed the range. i got so sicked of it as i kept shooting from day to night (i actually attended all the re-shoots at daytime and thankfully there's only 1 round of night shooting for everybody) and of course the rifle maintenance after that also proved to be a headache for me.

our oc wants us to win the best company award and wants us to go all out for the games day...which is like...never mind. and guess what? i am in the drill squad. too bad i don't have the skills to play volleyball or frisbee nor the strength to join the tug of war...and too bad there's no soccer. all the precision drills are making me go dizzy and tired in the right arm.

this week was on situational test. last outfield crap in bmt. but the weather wasn't that great throughout the event and i didn't get a good assessor when i was appointed as the in charge for one of the stations.

think i did a big mistake when i rejected to try going to command school. simply said i am cutting down my chances to raise through the ranks. not having enough time to consider doesn't seem to be a good reason too.

next came the peer appraisal. i thought i tried my best to rank my platoon mates in order from my judgement but upon hearing some other comments after the peer appraisal...well maybe i am wrong for some of the inputs.

almost had confinement this week due to rifle stun during the field camp. but somehow i only got remedial training this week. though it was kind of hectic but it was still better than confinement and some sol guys i met at friday night.

so i booked out at thursday evening, met up with jun cheng at bugis friday afternoon, then booked in at the night later (when i lost my handphone...damn. lost all my contacts now.). went out with weijun yesterday to bugis again to find his saver plan agent and chill out. saw this pair of very pale blue jeans selling at forty plus dollars. tempted me so much but didn't purchase it as the thought of spending on a new phone means my expenditure is shooting up only days after getting my pay. but in the end i've decided to more or less buy it next week. haha.

field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp field camp

six total days of shit coming up. the idea of reporting sick and attending the remedial session loiters around my mind. so how? suck thumb again?

i'll just pray that it doesn't rain for the week, we shall get lesser punishments and be able to book out at saturday night.

wish me luck again people.

this week was hectic and shagged. damn lots of physical training packed within the last three days of the week. lots of running in general.

good news is finally we can bring our psps into the camp. we are gonna do grenade throwing next week. bad news is that i am going to field camp the week after next. the sian inside me is just like a over-filled bottle.

went out with weijun and darren to town yesterday and watched hurt locker. i was doubtful when darren told me that it's very nice. he even promised that if i feel that the movie is crap he will compensate me with $11 (when the ticket prices is $10 at saturdays). i have to admit that the movie really depicts about the different kinds of US troops stationed in the iraq or afghanistan. the storyboard and character development is strong throughout the movie and seriously i recommend this movie to all those guys still in army (but not guys with their girlfriends dozing off halfway in the theatre). it's not the kind of movie where it's bombs and gunshots raining down. instead this movie emphasises on the mental aspect of soldiers in situations far worse than what i think a field camp is. either way i still tried to ask for compensation at the end of the movie but to no avail. a unique military-based movie. must watch.

to weijun:

either way try your best. because you shouldn't regret after that; no matter what happens in the end. i've been there...so i shall say that it's more about learning and growing from this experience. don't give up so easily...but if needed learn to let go slowly.

lastly be mentally prepared when you watch this:

this week was still kind of ok...booked out at friday night (being the second company to do so) and shared a cab between three other friends.

had a long day out yesterday shopping, attending a friend's 21st birthday and catching up with the people involved. chipped in for a fossil wallet as the birthday gift while getting myself a tee and shirt.

exercised a little and jogged this morning. slacking at home now.

as usual i still don't appreciate the feeling to go back to tekong. especially when there will be AGR and speed training together for tomorrow (for those who understand what i mean, the worse part is that i am in group A for these trainings).

true one month has passed but there's another nine weeks to follow. i am trying to keep my mindset positive but whenever it comes to these moments...the feeling is still not right. ever since the air force has held a talk on signing up a full time contract with them, the thought of whether i should do so or not has been lingering at the back of my head. but as for now my decision is leaning towards no. i am also starting to think whether i will be able to tough it out and make it to the BSLC course. hopefully i can get them done with and settled soon enough. but let me overcome the feeling of booking in first.

confinement was...kind of fast but tough for me. i don't really have time to elaborate...but for now...i really don't wanna go back. back to all these shit.

what should i do, candy?

i don't have much time to elaborate (gonna go pasir ris @ 3.30pm) so i shall keep it short:

to weijun:

jiayou arh. since it's in your hands grab hold of it as long as possible and enjoy the process. but of course always keep yourself in check- even outsiders like us have learnt a lot from chun boon's case.

to jun cheng:
really thanks a lot for your company and encouragement. i have kept your sms in my phone as a note to remind myself. i know i am weak in the mind...but time will fly in tekong bah i guess.

so for the sake of all my friends and you, giving up is out of my dictionary during my bmt. wish me luck people.

back from tekong!

somehow i wasn't really excited while inside the ferry...maybe i was already shag from the trainings today.

well generally the schedule for the 1st week is way too hectic for somebody slower like me. on one hand i am glad that i have some long time ncc background to back me up, but on the other i am still trying to adapt and accept this kind of lifestyle.

physically i am miles away from my sergeants' expectations...and frankly speaking with the criteria of only passing the ippt to have a chance to enter the command school is making me feel low. even though i am quite confident that as time goes i will be able to perform (besides the fitness side), but again, the benchmark for us is still ippt.

my sergeants...i should really say they are lenient with us...at least for now. so i am quite worried for our confinement week when we are more or less on ourselves. moreover i can already see quite a potential of people just doing stuff the way they like it. and this sounds like the start of real hell.

for now i am just wishing that tomorrow will be as long as possible.

"as the image fades, i realised that i've failed you."

--yesterday--

went out to comex @ suntec with my friends. the route from citylink mall to suntec was already filled with people by early afternoon.

met them up and spent quite a while at level 6 (it's too crowded inside) walking around and catching up with those colleagues i had when i was working part time for them as their show promoter.

in the end i upgraded my lap top's memory and bought some cheap ear phones from sonicgear.

we really took a long while to decide on going to swensens for dinner and get our food onto our tables (it's a long and kind of irritating story so i shall not elaborate). because i had another appointment with jun cheng @ clementi, i finished my food and left off early.

i was already late by 2 hours plus when i found him (really sorry!). so we settled down at a coffee shop with drinks and a plate of rojak. well sometimes a simple catch up with a close friend is still better than fanciful outing ideas with so many friends at once.

--today--

just checked my own checklist for the third time and packed everything into a bag (surprisingly). started to feel the nervousness from the start of morning. i really wonder whether i will be able to sleep properly tonight.

i think i will really miss my friends...maybe my family too. but on the other hand i am kind of excited and nervous of the road ahead...new people...new environment...new animals and new stuff to learn.

"only if you were there to sing me a song for tonight. just for tonight."

i know it's kind of late if i were to say team fortress 2 is a cool game...but i was too bored just now till i watched this introduction video for the engineer class:

one of the video footage provided from my friend:



well with this video i am pretty sure my heart is dead for the miss singapore contestants.

i can assure you with both of my eyes that there's local girls better looking than our bold representative here (those people who hang out often in the town will get what i mean). even so...the answers she gave are very...singaporean (stereotyped)?

grammatical errors...bold replies (e.g. something like "it's about me") without satisfactory explanations...and maybe she is not quick minded?

--friday--

went out with weijun to suntec to look out for his watch (as in his 21st birthday gift from his parents). i don't know how much he has researched around for the various brands and models but he just went to fossil upon our suggestion (maybe the prices are nearer to the budget given by his parents) previously.

so we got a skilled promoter recommending us the latest collections...and so weijun kept asking whether this is nice or what not...even the promoter suggested to weijun to ask me whenever she brings out one new piece out from the display cabinet (and i was like...huh? erm...ok).

in the end he bought one trendy roast gold coloured for around two hundred plus. then we went to epic centre so that weijun could buy the iphone ear piece for kim as her late birthday gift.

decided to watch district 9 but realised that gv doesn't show it so we had to move to the cathay and get the tickets first. since we were out we also decided to shop around for stuff. went to domanchi and i bought a checkered shirt. design's not bad...just that the fabric is kind of unfamiliar with what i would normally wear on. weijun chanced upon a blue/white shirt which i don't really recommend him of buying straight away. since (and as usual) kim turned up for the movie, we left to meet her up and decide on the shirt after the movie. had dinner at carl's junior before we made way back to the cathay.

district 9 is really a meaningful show. i didn't know that it was directed by peter jackson until i was at the opening...and thus it got me kind of curious on the movie. frankly speaking if darren didn't spill some beans beforehand i wouldn't have understood the real meaning behind the movie. but despite being a movie with low costs i think it was well done.

went back to domanchi to decide on the shirt before we left for home.

some guys around me have this tendency to be the 'better guy around' in the group if that somebody he likes is in it. i admit i might have this bad habit shown previously but now i realised (and experienced) from the view of the rest in the group. it's still better to be myself at all times.

--saturday--

woke up at 7am to buy some simple breakfast for my family. left home at 9 plus to get the birthday cake from jurong point before i set off to derrick's house. at that i saw windows 7 ultimate myself and played a little of prototype on ps3 (damn nice) before we set off to marina square to leave the cake at kbox and make reservations first.

meet up time was supposedly at 1pm (i apologise because even the planner myself was late for half a hour) but in the end we could only leave marina bay mrt station at 2pm. as a result the picnic (note: the idea of picnic was not proposed by me, i merely took over from kwan yong's idea and planned from there as he is busy with his advanced bslc course) was kind of hastily done because i made reservations for us to start from 3-4pm.

thought it's gonna be the typical small rooms for the seven of us but it turned out that we were given a bigger room. sing sang sung (cut the cake too and gave the couple gv cards as gifts) till 8pm and had a simple dinner at pizzahut. the new spaghetti dishes seem quite good (i had some mushroom spaghetti).

--------------------------------------------------

korea is the hottest place in the entertainment industry right now and with the various girl bands like wonder girls and SNSD emerging, this relatively quiet category of fans known as fanboys are also surfacing in terms of their numbers and as well as their passion, enthusiasm for their favourite band/artiste. but they come in all kinds of...well. here's a few videos i saw from a k-pop website:

1st we have a small little boy dancing at some dbsk mv



next we have a fan who made a song for his favourite cl from 2NE1



then we have a guy dancing to a girl's dance (he looks like what yu jae seok would do in infinity challenge)



lastly some hardcore fans for SNSD

thought i can grow more lazy bones before i enter tekong...but i have been painting the walls of my house for the past three days. oh man my parents sure know about the concept of potential man hour loss. i always used the phrase 'order and ask me like buffet' to best describe such situations.

but frankly speaking the job itself is not very tedious as you might imagine. i am currently painting a side of the living room per day. a couple of hours and i will be done. the troublesome part lies on moving the furniture and whatever away from the wall and trying to avoid getting paint on areas that shouldn't be painted (which mainly results in me wiping the paint off frantically with a rag).

went out earlier on to collect my new biometric passport. kind of a long trip to lavender but luckily i am accompanied by my mp3 player and psp. was kind of surprised when i was notified that my passport will expire at next year. then i found out that i will need to take some oath crap before i can use the passport normally with 5 years of validity (when i already have a pink ic? will need to call them up tomorrow).

ordered a belgium chocolate cake for my friend's birthday celebration at this saturday. largely because i am one of the most free guys lazing around in the cliq, i planned the outing in a form of picnic (and obviously this isn't my idea; i merely took over from somebody else). but because i it seems that i ordered a smaller cake (only 1/2 kg) for a crowd of 7 i am kind of worried whether with the inclusion of other foodstuff will be able to fill our stomachs or not. the weather is also something i am concerned with. i certainly wouldn't want history to repeat again...but the location (marina barrage) is somewhere i am not familar with so the wet weather plan might be a headache for me.

lastly a very innovative honda advertisement to share. i really respect the people who put so much effort to link all of these stuff up. singaporeans still have to look up to the japanese when it comes to such stuff.

it just irritates me to find myself repeating the same mistake over and over again. i really have to think and do something properly for this- for such a flaw in my personality will affect the rest of my life.

on the other hand i really have to appreciate those who can still stand my nonsense and repeat the same advice to help me out. they are always there when i need help; they always happen to be there when i screw up (sometimes even unknowingly myself). as little as i want to lose them, but all these anxiety and impatient bit of me surfaced and urged me again to get it done asap.

so it's just simply: listen. think. then reply.

maybe i should start by watching 'Yes Man' again. perhaps everything starts from a 'yes'.

EDIT: Upon looking at this post i realised i might be wrong at what i've said at the previous post. maybe this is how some people work?

dear botak,

i admit i am always bad at telling my friends these kind of stuff but somehow i don't feel like leaving it in my heart like a chunk. but it might be pointless since i doubt you do read my posts very often.

though it's just a few events that made me feel so but i think as time goes i am afraid that the more you hope (and spend more effort) the more disappointed you will be.

actually the actual purpose of me questioning you so much (in your opinion) is because you didn't realise how tight your schedule is. you wanted to ask her out for a movie at 1 plus and you asked me only at 12 plus. nevermind me feeling like being some decoy again, but what irritates me is yet another last minute stuff from you. and the worse part is she might be late for that movie slot and we will have to wait till the next slot at 2 plus. even that you were fine with that when you will have hell of a rushing to do to make it to the ferry terminal back to tekong. in the end i was asked by you why did i have so many questions when i wasn't intending to go.

well ultimately it lies in you botak; it's your path anyway. it's no wrong of you to try but fancy making yourself rushing for time just to suit her schedule (or to see her) is kind of...unfair to yourself? don't you wanna have sometime for yourself after every week of tekong crap (besides all the gaming at home)?

and to all my close friends, please remind me if i were to have such symptoms surfacing next time...i don't like it sticky either.

1 month just flew past when you are working. another one and i will be on the ferry to tekong. time is god damn fast.

went to marina square's changing appetites to treat my friend chun leng for lunch. he was late for meet up so i decided to go recee to see whether it would be crowded or something.

and i have to spend so long to get to there. and surprisingly it's damn empty. from i saw there's only one family dining.

i doubted the need to do any last minute reservations so i went up to the arcade and rot.

chun leng arrived and we had a very filled lunch. each of us had a main dish, shared a big jack (a almost jug sized cup full of chocolate) and a cup of iced lemon tea, one big mudpie, and an ice cream.

i am actually quite glad that i have found another person to keep in contact after my poly days (even though he had some harsh words on me during my work period before). though we were classmates for the past three years but i didn't really get to know him more.

then went to friend's 21st birthday at the aloha chalet@loyang. was kind of bored for the whole thing but the event was kind of fine. luckily we made it on time for the last few trains back home.

how should i say it...i can't say i hate that...but i feel that i am 'poked' whenever that topic is touched on.

it's something i can't deny- yes i have that problem. but everytime the same stuff are being said and yet i feel more and more being left out. i guess my weakness of not focusing for long contributes to this but...ah forget it.

as i mentioned there's no hate involved...maybe i should be careful of what i say...but that means the gap will widen as time goes by.