approaching my last exam paper before the holiday break kicks in...been thinking a bit on what to do but...not having much mood to revise now. sipping coffee, writing and waiting for an upcoming soccer match.

had to abolish the plan of getting a PS3...more or less. kind of expensive just to think about it. though the console's way cheaper than before but with the games...the story changes. i just have too many things on my pending list.

somehow i'm hesitating on my plans to give tuition. no idea why.

need to have more serious and regular prep sessions for my standard chartered marathon! distance not there...sessions not regular nor intensive...

i wonder if i've either sent the wrong signal to you or accidentally leaked what i really wanted to say to you. but i know. none of it works. so instead of waiting for the same anticipated answer, it's easier for me to pull the plug out isn't it? less of a hassle and time wasting...wait a minute. i'm the only one in the show! what's there to tell you besides admitting that "ya i thought i'm that good for you"?

my intelligence tells me i should rather treat this as a joke so that it's easy to just laugh it off should anybody raise this up in the future. yet my emotions tell me another story- i would rather be real honest.

(then again, now that i think of it, i don't even know where i'm now. so i guess we're just two lost strangers who are trying to help each other find our own paths and...carry on with our own lives?)

hey sidekick, when are you gonna wake up from your deep slumber? think that you can go for the impossible? don't make yourself an embarrassment again...

"and if we could float away
fly up to the surface and just start again"

Coldplay- Us Against The World

suddenly it feels like giving up halfway has become my speciality.

many of us always want to pursue for happiness, but got ourselves less and less happy along the process.

so...maybe it's better to say that now we are trying to be less unhappier instead?

recently i thought that the state we are in is always a result of our own choices. yes choices determine everything.

but now, i also realised that this is very result dependent. i mean, if there's something you see for yourself as feedback it's fine (good or bad). but how do you confirm with yourself that it's the right choice when there's no feedback or anything in return?

(P.S. ah cheng arh in the end i still can't get pass that obstacle i set for myself. it's all illusions after all.)

unless i'm proven wrong someday by that right person, else i'm always right on this- the people up there like to play tricks on me.

or should i even be blaming others? aiya for people who know me well- i hate blame games. but there's no solution to it either!

maybe i'm still living in the past. but that's also a good excuse for not revising now.

last saturday dinner at 2D1N soju bang was hell of a wait...at least 2 hours of standing. but the food was not bad...but maybe not really worth the waiting time? the bacon's good. others like pork belly...its chilli sauce and corn salad. i guess it's more because i'm a person who can't wait that long.

so more is less. but will less become lesser?

exams in a week's time and...still not in panic mode. a sudden loss of direction and mood...wait. what are we trying to prove here?

the world is fascinating. there's just simply all kinds of people out there. trying to understand everyone of them however can sometimes be a pain in the ass. we can't satisfy everybody period. so there's always a few who we'll try to stick to- family, friends etc.

so the question is- how can we confirm with ourselves that the stranger beside us is worth the time to stick by?

i know i'm the gullible kind- very easy to gel with the other party and become more familiar with each other. but often i feel that the process is hyped and dies off quickly.

some things are just never meant to be simplified; or maybe that's what i chose, you chose and the other party chose to be.

i am simply amazed by people who laments about his/her results when no effort is put into salvaging from the subsequent group assignments.

weekend kind of wasted off. personal issues and some emotional labour(???) to overcome.

damn lagged behind for the marketing assignment; hopefully we can finish it (as near to my expectations as possible) with a shortage of a member.

i wanna have a good holiday! and i am saying this before my final exams -.-

oh well. some things don't matter, no matter what. so why not treat myself better?

had quite a wild night yesterday. went to zouk for the school bash organised by the student body. immediately we all had this 42 below thing at the wine bar which is of lots of this sour plum alcohol in shot size. there were lots of them; everybody (there were around 10 plus of us) had at least 3 of those shots. then came two jugs of tiger beer under one for one promotion. and thanks for those peeps remembering that i was the last one to ord in the group i had to (but failed because of the air inside the beer) bottoms up. didn't have that for a long time and i can only say that it...sucks. bitter after taste.

it was the very first time i had a mixture of alcoholic drinks (at this point of time i realised it's wrong) and still felt ok; damn red face as usual but lasted for longer that night. but i was very sure i was in the high mode (without feeling dizzy) and made myself quite a joke in the toilet.

finally went into zouk proper and had another round of don't know whatever bomb thing that comes with red bull. and still conscious after that (i really feel that i improved or something haha). danced and eventually went home after a small supper session with some of them.

ok i admit it- it can be very addictive. self control self control....

started sleeping at around...say 3.30am plus? and had to wake up at around 7.30am, drag myself up with a small drizzle (in other words conducive weather to continue sleeping) out there and reach school at 9.30am for re-enrolment. and in the end? reached at 10am. but still on time (guess time allowances given because of the weather). then a trip to macdonald for lunch at king albert park before my last business statistics lesson started at 12. finally felt the tiredness kicking in by then...during the most important lesson before the exam -.-

damn broke now. and in no mood for assignment now. gonna run (i hope) tomorrow morning.

it just feels weird to suddenly see people barge in and be serious about something. or am i being too sensitive?

today's a mental torture. i can't believe that i am draining myself away with the rest too. on the overall i was pissed, sad and eventually mood-less...like now.

somehow i am hardworking enough to post something before i fall unconscious for the night.

been very busy with project work recently. but saying of being busy...i was still able to play and relax a bit here and there? oh gosh i need to check myself.

perhaps of the really impending dateline everybody seems to really (and finally) putting in more effort. hopefully this can go on to our last project- which has to appear from thin air within two weeks.

i will consider myself damn lucky to have my course shortened to two years due to an automatic allocation of advanced standing. in general all polytechnic students were given 8 modules worth of exemptions; so it also means a year worth of time and money saved.

the staff emphasized on the fact that we need major in management and minor in one of the options (finance, marketing and human resource). is this better? time and monetary wise yes. but others? i am still not sure. not much time to conclude this either. at least not now.

this afternoon i told my friend what's left single should be flawed. but on the flip side- i am part of it too.

perhaps it takes a lot of courage to follow your heart.

i know...i know.

really damn tired. i mean in the brain. it's so hard to work with people who aren't even focused. yes again i know it's difficult to work that out...but to zone out...

so what if you walk the talk?

no time, no money- really no talk.

almost everyone of us live to die. do you die to live?